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Dear Breakup Girl,

My man and I gave each other the heave-ho this week. I would like your opinion on the reason we broke up, and I would like some feedback from men.

We had been dating for two months. He is wonderful in many respects: intelligent, secure in himself, financially stable, a terrific lover, and committed to healthy eating and exercise. We share MANY interests and have had a lot of fun together. He was crazy about me from the get-go, and I liked him very much.

Two sticking points. First, I am not in love with him, although I care for him very much. I am not sure how serious I want to be with this man. We moved very quickly from casual dating to being together all the time, which for me is unusual. I like to take my time.

Second, he wants me to lose five to ten pounds for him. This is a constant concern of his. He says this would be aesthetically pleasing to him; he likes very thin women only. Note: he can't keep his hands off me, ever, or stop talking/thinking about sex. I am already slim and am comfortable with my weight. I have gained five pounds recently but am not worried; I eat well and exercise a lot. It will come off.

Both what he is asking and the fact that he's asking at all are red flags to me. He admits he is obsessive about weight (both his and that of women he dates), but he denies this is related to anything but sexual attraction. He became particularly upset when I said it sounded like a control issue. He says it is simple: If I lose weight, I will be more attractive to him. Bam, done. He says this is not a big deal. Yet when I asked him, "If you met the most wonderful woman in the world, with all the right qualities, who was five pounds more than what you wanted, would you ditch her for those five pounds?" He said, "Yes."

I also asked him, "If I don't think I need to lose weight, do you still think I should, simply because it would please you?" He said, "Yes."

BG, I have tried to look at this objectively. I believe that in committed relationships, there are times when you should do things to please your partner and enhance the relationship. I also believe in working to maintain physical attraction with your partner. And I like a man who is honest about what he likes/dislikes. I also think that while it's true you should be loved for "who you are," you can't use that as an excuse for laziness, bad habits, or unhealth. Nevertheless, I still think the man is nuts. I do not regret saying goodbye. Could this scenario ever be reasonable?

--A

Dear A,

Reasonable? Sure. He is perfectly entitled to calibrate attraction in microscopic weights and measures, and thus perfectly entitled to lose the most wonderful woman in the world. Who would not do love-osuction even if she were "in love." Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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