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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was married to "Jake" for almost two years. It was my second marriage, and we have a beautiful daughter. However, Jake and I don't have much, if anything, in common. Our personalities are different; our interests are different; our intellects are different. There were so many things were wrong with our relationship that I decided to end our marriage in favor of a better life for my daughter and me. The problem is that Jake seems to believe that he can't live without me.

Before we met, Jake drank heavily, lived with friends, used mild drugs, worked at a fast food restaurant, and was in various stages of trouble with the law. After we got together, he seemingly cleaned up his act and behaved as if he had a reason to make a better life for himself. There were still visits from unsavory friends, but there was considerable improvement.

Alas! It was not enough to sustain a happy relationship or family; the alcohol and drugs had their hooks in too deep. We separated, and almost immediately afterward, Jake lost his job due to a failed drug test (the same test he'd passed several times since getting the job nearly two years before). With no job and none on the horizon, I took pity on Jake and allowed him to stay with me until he got another job. This took about a month, and I was the one to finally find the job for him. After another two months of saving (at my insistence), he found a place of his own and moved out. A week later, he was in jail for possession of controlled substances. Again, I took pity on him, deciding that he was drifting aimlessly with no family to work for, so I let him stay with me a while longer.

In the two years that have followed these events, he's been in and out of my home constantly. We are still not a good match: we still disagree about everything and eventually I get my fill of his shenanigans and throw him out. Within 24 hours, he always calls and begs my forgiveness. Maybe I feel that I'm making a real difference in this man's life. Maybe I want my daughter to have both of her parents in her daily life. Maybe I'm too softhearted for my own good. Maybe I'm afraid of being alone. I don't know exactly why I've continued to let him back in my life when I know that he and his bad behaviors are not good for me or my daughter. I've never been involved with drugs or heavily with alcohol. These are things I do not want my daughter to experience. But I just can't seem to make the breakups last. I know I don't love him the way a wife loves a husband. I don't need his income; I can handle my bills and expenses on my own. I sometimes think that he keeps messing up when we are apart just so that I will see that he needs me to have a decent life. I don't want to be anyone else's parent, but I seem to have so much trouble standing firm on my decisions concerning him. How can one person effectively break up with someone that is determined NOT to break up?

I've seen the complaints from people who are hurt when the "significant other" in their life has no problem with the breakup. I have the opposite problem. I can't get the man in my life to agree to leave me alone. He calls and cries and begs me to come home every single day. No matter what I say or do, he has never given up and accepted it. Eventually after all his hammering, I give in and try to see the good side of letting him come back. Within a day or two, everything is back to exactly how it was before. What are some tips to breaking up with an unwilling "breaker," and actually sticking to your guns when you know it's right?

--Yo-Yo Girl

Dear Yo-Yo Girl,

See, the funny thing about your letter is that most letters like it contain, somewhere, the sentence: "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!!"

Yours, not so much.

What gives (besides you, as in "too much")? Well, I think all of your speculations -- making a "difference" (though you're not), "both of her parents" (though he's hardly a whole one), "afraid of being alone" (though quality company, he's not") -- are dead on. Also, um, sex? But it's not like any of this insight is helping things stop.

So what to do? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any "tips" for you, other than screen your calls and call 800-799-SAFE, or 911, if he threatens you. That's because otherwise, this is not just a "tips" kind of thing. This, like the "right" kind of diet, requires a lifestyle change. Sure, it's nice to think of yourself as "soft-hearted" and mindful that daughters need daddies. But how about instead: deciding that you are not a person who lets bad folks back into her life to no good end? And then acting accordingly. Because you have other things and people in your life that prove to you -- and not by contrast -- that you are strong and soft and good and decent. Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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