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Dear Breakup Girl,

During the 98-99 school year, I had a long distance relationship with a student in New York. She is an Honors Literature major. We got along great for nine months, but then suddenly, she tells me that she wants to break things off. This was a month before she was coming home for the summer. The weird thing is that I am 15 years older than she. I don't know if that had much to do with anything. Since the breakup, she's said that she needs somebody who has the same love of books as she does in order to "connect." Give me a break! We seemed to connect pretty darn well, and I have some profound memories of NYC with her, which are now painful to remember. This girl has spent her life reading books and being a scholar, while I read on the side. (Since I have things like a job and rent to pay and a life outside academia, I just don't have time to read all the darn time! She, on the other hand, was raised by her Literature Prof. dad and literary mom--both Berkeley grads--and when they wanted to watch TV, they had to cart it out of the closet for special times, so as to avoid its influence on the mind. Whew!)

I am not a stranger to literature; I earned a BA in English, but I'm not in it like she is. At any rate, in about twenty years of dating, this is hands down the lamest reasoning I have ever encountered. Mutual interests are great, but this seems a bit fanatical (as well as insular) on her part. If I had known, I would have been glad to discuss more literary topics with her; it's kind of hard to start when you find out these things the same time she is breaking things off. She also seems put off by my interest in music. She doesn't seem to want to discuss things she doesn't know about, and believe me, she doesn't know much about anything but books. However, she has a brain and is able to walk, talk, and function pretty much like a normal human being and seems to get along in the world well enough. She is rather introverted as you may have guessed, and here is a sample of some of her writing: "When I'm alone, I feel balanced, somehow--other people just mess it up." Does this remind you of Marlene Dietrich? Could it be that she was just scared by the idea of coming home to an escalated relationship? Is this the reasoning that she rationalized in her mind so as not to continue things? And, at the same time, is it the truth to her? I was, after all, her first boyfriend. Is she just plain weird? Should she be avoided by the opposite sex until she is socialized into the ways of the world? Help me to understand these riddles, Breakup Girl, for I believe I have been dating the reclusive Emily Dickinson.

--Confused in Ohio

Dear Confused in Ohio,

Indeed, there is no frigate like a book. So for her, this may be about more than hobby-level "mutual interest." That is, sometimes chemistry is literary -- what can I say? But you might also consider that perhaps "I need ... love of books!" is actually the concrete, written label that she chose to put on what is for anyone that hard-to-label something's missing feeling.

Or maybe it was the age -- who knows? Maybe she thought "you don't read enough" was less rude than "you're too old." Or heck, maybe she's just a Pretentious College Student.

Still, Confused, yes: surely you feel bitterly condescended to, Be-Lit-tled. And about your music: yeah, it's also no fair for her to make demands about "connecting" without making efforts herself.

So as her poetry reminds me more of Morrissey, let me remind you of Marlene Dietrich.

"Glamour, in a word, is assurance. It is a kind of knowing that you are all right in every way -- mentally, physically, and in appearance... When others gather from your poise, appearance, and command of yourself that you have that inner assurance, you become glamorous in their eyes."

I doubt that "glamour" is your goal per se, but let me thus offer you assurance: don't let the bookworm chew holes of self-doubt. Surely someone who acts, rather than inflates, her station and age -- preferably one closer to yours -- will fall for you. With honor.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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