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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been with this girl for just over three years, but the spark started disappearing over a year ago. I'm 27; she's 24. Since we have been dating, however, she has become a big part of my life, becoming involved in my family and friends, etc. I think I've held onto her for fear of being alone, but at the same time, I've never stopped loving her. We have some things in common that make us very compatible. I thought I'd be dating my future wife at this stage of my life, but there is a little voice telling me no. I just don't feel the same way about her as I thought I would at this point in time. I want to get married soon, but not sure if she is the one, especially since after three years, I have doubts. She isn't my dream girl, but she shares some of the same dreams and values that I have. She doesn't turn me on anymore. She rarely dresses in a feminine manner, and it is really turning me off. She has changed a little, but so have I. She has mood swings that I can't predict, and sometimes she accuses me of things I have not done or feelings that I do not have, which is very frustrating. Friends and family are asking me when we're going to tie the knot, but I'm wondering if we'll break up. I'm not good with those things. Plus, if there is nobody better out there for me and she is the right one, I don't want to break her heart and then try to reconcile.

I've considered breaking up for a long time, but I can't seem to find the right time. She'll be joining my family on vacation in the next few weeks, so the timing is very poor.

Enter the other woman. I've met the most incredible woman at work. She's cute, sexy, feminine, smart, and pleasant. I can't read signals well, but if I were to take a stab at it, I would guess that she is sweet on me. I have talked with her on many occasions, but all work-related. I can't get her out of my head. I just need to get to know her to find out if the person inside is what I'm looking for because the outside is so perfect. She doesn't know I have a girlfriend, and I'd just as soon keep it that way. My problem is that I want to get to know her, but I'm not sure if I should break up a three year relationship just to experiment. A close (female) friend has recommended to keep the two issues separate and worry about a breakup, if any, at a later date (one not during the vacation so that I wouldn't tear at the heart strings of her and my family during a time when we're all supposed to be happy). She recommends that I simply get to know this other woman by asking her to lunch and leave it at that for a while, until things settle.

The point is, I don't want to think that this other woman is "the other woman." I think she is simply a catalyst and that she is giving me the confidence to break up something that doesn't seem right. Plus, if she is the one, then my long search is over. I don't know what to do. I'll never stop loving my girlfriend, but it may not be the love of my life. I'm confused and scared. It's different now than prior relationships because I'm tired of dating and want to find the right one. A new relationship will take years to perfect, but it would be worth it if she's the one.

Help me do the right thing.

--Dave

Dear Dave,

You are right about the "catalyst;" your friend is right about keeping the two issues separate -- but (therefore) wrong about the lunch. It will lead to breakfast, if you know what I mean, or at least to your staring blankly into the refrigerator at 2 AM wondering why you had to go and make things even more confusing.

Other than that, I will not go so far as to tell you unequivocally to break up with Not Your Dream Girl, but I will tell you not to feel like a heel if you do. I will tell you that your argument for breaking up with her is stronger than your argument against it. And dare I say: stronger, in fact, than your feelings for her appear to remain. "Wrong" (or "Bad") and just-plain"Over" are pretty much unrelated, Dave. You don't stay with someone "just in case." (Somewhere, deep down, that someone wouldn't want you to in the first place.) "Good enough" is not good enough.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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