< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Why is it that you get so many letters from people in Seattle [See "Hopeless in..." and others. -- BG] during the one time of year when it's beautiful here? You think we'd be out enjoying our limited summer rather than remaining chained to our computers. But that's not really why I'm writing, so I'll get to the point.

About 5 months ago, I met a really cool girl (I'm 29, she's 25) through friends; we began dating immediately. Things were really great for the first month or so, but then sort of took a downturn. This seems so ridiculous to talk about, but it's really become a serious problem in our relationship. Although we share common interests, we're two radically different people.

Ann is VERY well mannered. Her parents sent her to a charm school of sorts (I didn't think these schools actually existed, but what do I know), and she's SUPER polite and totally formal. I'm not formal at all. I mean REALLY not. It's a style difference that we're trying to work through, but it might be a deal-breaker.

She's really open and honest about things--to a fault. If something is bothering her, she brings it up RIGHT THEN. No matter where we are or what we're doing. For example, we were at a benefit concert and were standing in line to get into the hall and take our seats. I made a comment, she took it the wrong way, and we had to stop right there and talk about it for 5 minutes--as in, we had to get out of line and go stand by the bathroom so we could discuss it. OK, I told her to shut up. But before you bite my head off for that, let me explain where it came from.

We get in arguments about the silliest of things like...standing in line. As in, where it's appropriate to get in line. Yes, yes, the easy answer is at the end, but it's not that simple. Let me explain: about 2 months into our relationship, we took a vacation together. While waiting for our plane, we got seats near the gate. When they called our row to begin boarding, we got up and merged with the line near where we'd been sitting. I thought this was totally reasonable. She was mortified. She thought it was completely rude to just "cut in front of all of those people." But it's not like they'd been waiting in some queue for hours and we jumped a fence or anything. We just merged. OK, difference of opinion, not a big deal...until she turned around and APOLOGIZED to the woman who let us into line. As if we were doing something wrong but she was helpless to do anything about it because I was leading the way. In effect, she was saying, "I'm sorry my boyfriend is an ill-mannered clod; he just doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong." Naturally we then had to talk about it after we got on the plane...fine, we talked; it's over; let's move on.

Fast forward to the benefit show. It's at the symphony hall, and people are milling about everywhere. We make our way up a few flights of stairs to get to where our box is, patiently waiting as the crowd slowly winds it's way upward. It's not a formal line, since people were moving in and out of the crowd at the various floors, and just as we get to our floor, I decide that I really want to use the restroom before we go sit down. I do, and then we go to get in line. I move to merge (this is SO stupid) by the door, and she grabs my arm like we're cutting and begins to protest. I tell her to shut up--it wasn't intended in a mean way, more like "Shhh, I don't want to have this discussion right now" whereas to her it was "Shut your pie hole you annoying wench." It doesn't help that she was raised to believe you NEVER tell anyone to shut up. It's worse than cursing; you just don't do it. She got her mouth washed out with soap for saying it to her brother. Fine, I shouldn't have said it like that, but I got this major flash back to the airport and I felt like she was treating me like a 2-year old who doesn't know any better. She felt we should have gone to the end of the line, which in theory was on the bottom floor since people were still coming up the stairs.

Arrrrrrgh! I'm not intentionally insensitive, but I can see how I might come across that way in certain situations...yet to me this was something that really could have and should have waited until later. Would it have ruined her night to hold her tongue and just get in line with me? Or just mention it after we were in our seats? Doubtful. But because of my reaction to her reaction, we were sitting in our seats still vaguely annoyed with each other. For her, everything has to be dealt with immediately, while I think there's no point in picking a fight and ruining the evening when it doesn't have to be dealt with right then, if ever.

Which brings me to the next part of it: she thinks of it as "discussing things;" I call it picking a fight. I think her favorite phrase is, "Let's talk about this." She has to talk about EVERYTHING, and it drives me nuts. I've been single for a long time and am somewhat set in my ways--I live alone, I like it, and I like to be alone a lot of the time. Still, I'm not making excuses for myself, and I'm not unwilling to change--I've tried to give her what she needs even though it's phenomenally uncomfortable for me to have these discussions about the minutiae of our relationship. I think what it comes down to is her unwillingness to compromise--things have to be done her way. If she wants to talk about it, we do, no matter what I want.

Clearly I've started to ramble. I just get really frustrated with her, you know? She has this OBSESSIVE need to schedule things (much like my need to use caps for emphasis). I, on the other hand, have an obsessive need NOT to schedule things. I deal enough with schedules and meetings at work; I don't want to have to deal with it in my social life, too. We've been trying to work through this point as well, but she seems to be incapable of living without a schedule. I got an e-mail from her last week saying, "I want to spend time with you Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week. Let me know if that works for you." That was on Thursday, and I had no idea what I was even going to be doing that night or that weekend (she was out of town), let alone the following week.

This has been the biggest problem in our relationship to date. Early on, I'd ask her on Monday to do something on Thursday and she'd already have plans. She'd say things like, "well, I didn't think you wanted to see me because you didn't ask." I thought asking 3 days in advance was pretty good. (It was for me anyway.) She needs at least a week. She keeps a social calendar that is ALWAYS full. I have no records of what my plans are.

OK, maybe I'm having some commitment problems. She feels like my inability to plan things with her (never mind that I'm not planning things with anyone else either) means that she's not important to me. I feel that her inability to make time in her schedule means I'm not important to her. I'm not sure what she means to me or where the relationship is going, but I really enjoy spending time with her. We go to the opera one night and shoot darts in the smokiest, dirtiest hole-in-the-wall bar another. We always have a great time, until she brings up all of the little things that aren't working for her, and then we end up getting into a discussion/argument about it.

How can I get her to compromise with me on this stuff? Our latest agreement is that she will schedule as much time with me as she'd like, and then on Sunday tell me what nights we'll see each other that week. It's never a problem for me since I rarely plan anything ahead of time anyway, so I'm (almost) always free on the nights she chooses. Still, it seems weird to me that I can't call my girlfriend at random and say "Hey, let's go get dinner." Also, we've put a two-week moratorium on discussing any of these problems--we really need the break. But I'm afraid that we're just going to pick up right where we left off. If things don't change, eventually it's just not going to be worth it anymore.

I know this is pretty minor as far as relationship problems go--no one's cheating, no one's being abused...except we don't get along. I think this is worth saving if we can, but we seem to have these circular discussions about it. Any suggestions?

--Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Okay, the funniest part of your letter is "This is SO stupid," right in the middle of a sentence. (I bet Ann would have planned ahead so as not to interrupt herself.) But seriously, that's what you need to see here: the humor.

Not to make fun/light of what I can totally see would drive you legitimately bonkers, of what could certainly be, if not a deal-breaker, then at least a faith-shaker, in your relationship. But you two are like, oh, Oscar and Felice. Who make each other nuts, but who, at the end of the day/episode, make each other happy. Who truly dig each other, warts and all. Especially the warts, in fact.

Clearly there is something -- something worth at least a shot at saving -- between you: otherwise, your couplehood couldn't handle Die Fledermaus and Dive, otherwise, you'd be dating Dharma, and she'd be dating Franklin Planner. And there's no way you won't -- like any couple -- have spats, get annoyed, unearth fundamental foibles, hate each other with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns from time to time. AND yes, girl/boyfriends shouldn't "need a week." But it seems to me that any compromise here -- on both of your parts -- needs to be in the realm of magnanimity, not micromanagement. I don't care where you get on line or how you plan your week; I just want each of you to be able to find the space to say; "That's my compulsive kitten!" and "Oh, my sweet slacker!" That's the way to give this one a whirl. Try it. Work around her 7 Highly Effective Habits. Call her after her cotillion and say "Hey, let's go play foos ball." Again: just try it. At least one of you needs to start saying "Let's laugh about this."

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >