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Dear Breakup Girl,

Like many of the other individuals who have written to your excellent website, I am suffering after having been in a relationship that ended in spite of my best efforts to prevent it from happening.

I have always had a difficult time in my pursuit of women. Although the public persona that I project is an extremely raucous, "life of the party" image, I view myself as a sensitive and mature young man in terms of my interpersonal relationships. Although my friends view my bravado and stage presence as an obvious asset in the dating game, I myself find it an ambivalent characteristic, because I often attract the type of women that I am not attracted to myself. The type of women that I am attracted to, however, see me as a shallow sycophant who couldn't possibly be a sensitive partner for them. This situation has given me a lot of heartache because I am not able to ask out many of the women I'm attracted to, as I take rejection very, very hard.

I finally decided a few months back to try a cyber-relationship. I placed a personal ad on a website for people of my religious persuasion who were interested in meeting other people. My entry was quite different from anyone else's on there, because I did not sing my own praises ("I'm a gorgeous, athletic, genius", nor did I make unreasonable demands of a potential partner ("I'm looking for a woman who could be both a supermodel and a Nobel prize winner", etc.) I was shocked, as I received a number of e-mails from interested women, and they all mentioned that they had really appreciated my candor.

I began to correspond pretty frequently with one of the women who wrote to me. I was amazed at how similar we were in a number of ways, and even though we were only e-mailing each other, I found myself falling in love with her. She was highly-educated and shared my love of science. She loved music and I am a jazz guitarist. And she was so sweet and sensitive to my needs, and I knew she was someone who would forever appreciate my caring temperament. I was happier than I had ever been in my life, because for once, I felt like someone could truly appreciate me.

We finally met in person. It was difficult for both of us at first, because we had shared so much through e-mail and we had never even seen each other, but after our first night together, we really clicked. We enjoyed being with each other immensely, and neither of us could stand the thought of being away from each other. I was convinced that she was "the one", and there was an enormous sense of relief on my part, because since as long as I can remember, I had been searching for someone special to spend my life with. But as we grow closer, I felt a strong sense of restraint from her. I knew I had earned her trust, but at times she would be very quiet and seemed terribly sad. One weekend, after I had revealed to her a number of the most difficult things that I had endured in my life, she told me that she had been abused by a previous partner. I was devastated beyond my imagination. There is no pain like seeing someone you love recount the horrors of being abused.

She had never told anyone before she told me. And the day she told me, she cried uncontrollably, and there was so little I could do to console her, except to tell her that I loved her and I would do anything I could to make her feel better. But as time passed, she became increasingly resistant to my comforting her. She refused to look me in the eye, for she felt that she was a disappointment to me and had somehow failed me. Although nothing could be further from the truth, she just would not accept that I could love her in spite of everything she had been through.

A few days after she had told me about her experience, she decided that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. She just felt that she would never be worthy of being with me and did not want to place the burden of her past on me. I can't tell you how painful that was for me. I knew I had done nothing wrong except love her with all of my heart, and nothing I said would change her mind. I knew that this was a characteristic reaction of someone who had been abused (I'm a psychologist myself), but I was not prepared for this.

We chatted and e-mailed a couple of times after the breakup, but about a month afterward, she decided she didn't want to speak to me for a while because she needed time to move on. It has been more than three months since then, and I just can not get over her. I always have had low self-esteem, but after being with her, I realized that I was a good person with a lot to offer someone, but I just needed to meet someone special enough to make me ready to be that person.

I still want to be with her, although I would give that up in an instant if I knew it would make her life better. But the psychologist in me is more concerned about her doing something to deal with her issues. The fact that she has never told anyone but me makes me so sad, because I want her to live a happy life without all of the guilt and regret, even if I'm not a part of it. But I am also so torn because she is the only person I have ever really loved, and she is a tremendously successful career woman, and I wish she would fight her past misfortunes with the same zeal that she fights for her career success.

So I guess what I'm not asking is, "how do I get over her?" I just don't want to get over her, but at the same time, if she is shut me out of her life completely, what option do I have? I don't want to date someone else because I have not met anyone that I think can fulfill my needs like she could. I want to know how I can help her. I want to know how I can channel all of my love for her in some way to help her to recover, and I guess to help me recover too. And I guess a part of me just wants to know why, if she still loves me too, she wouldn't have the desire to let me help her feel right again. Or at least let me know that I meant something to her. Thank you for your time. Regards --

-- Possessed by Past Possibilities

Dear Possessed,

I'll step in and say yes, you definitely meant something to her. Yes, definitely. I assure you. One piece of evidence: you were the first/only person she told. That's plenty right there.

You can clip and paste that for quick and easy reference, if you want ... especially because that's about all I may be able to do for you. I'm not saying that You As A Psychologist should be able to handle this better (doesn't always work for superheroes, see). But I will say that You As A Psychologist must know, at least intellectually that adage -- however you put it without sounding treacly -- about how "you can't help her until she's ready to help herself." Which she's not.

And it must kill you that You As A Psychologist can't help her (right now). I mean, that kind of thing kills people for whom there's no professional resonance to begin with. So in the meantime, know that several months is not very much getting-over-it time for something that intense. And here's what to move forward with: you say "I realized that I was a good enough person with a lot to offer someone, but I just needed to meet someone special enough to make me ready to be that person." Well, with or without her, You as a Person already are that person.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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