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Dear Breakup Girl,

You are awesome! I'm hoping in desperation that you can give me some helpful advice on getting over a serious 2 year relationship and friendship with a man that I almost married! P. and I met through a coworker/friend's husband (not a drunk- filled bar as I usually do). I work in a real estate office for an Exclusive Country Club Community, and he at the time was a Golf Pro at the same Country Club. P. saw me working out in our Sports Center's weight room and was too nervous to ask me out! (the man is anything but nervous or shy) He thought I was a member's wife (hitting on a member's wife is obviously a NO! NO! in his profession). So while he was visiting my coworker's house for a Superbowl party (I couldn't attend) he mentioned this beautiful blonde that he drooled over while working out on the Stairmaster every night! My coworker replied, "Is she tall with long blonde hair?" etc... and they put 2 + 2 together, my coworker shouted "she works with me, I'm her supervisor!!" and that was that! We were introduced in the weight room the next night, had a brief conversation, he called me and we talked for forever and eternity about nothing! We had our first date a week after we were introduced and talked on the phone every night. We had a nice dinner, good conversation and a lot in common, but I just wasn't physically attracted to this man! After a few dates, we really hit it off and he became my best friend! We had a lot socially in common and I did lots of things with him that I would do with my girlfriends, it was amazing! WE WERE LOVERS AND BEST FRIENDS for the first time in my life!

Here's where my dilemma comes into play... about 6 months into our relationship he accepted a job out-of-town about 31/2 hours south. We had a serious conversation and agreed to continue our relationship and talked about marriage! WE WERE MADLY IN LOVE!!!!!! We continued to see each other at first every weekend, then it became every other weekend, then it became every 2 weeks depending on his busy work schedule! (I think you know where I'm going with this.) He had a whole different life that I wasn't a part of. I did visit him a lot and met some of his new friends and acquaintances, which I liked very much! We were still planning a life together...I was waiting for him to propose!!!! I was willing to give up EVERYTHING here...my family, friends and job...EVERYTHING to be with him!!!

A year later, he suddenly changed his tune! The company that he moved there for merged with another company and decided to downgrade and let go of some employees. He thought he might get the ax! He became withdrawn and a totally different person! Money and status are very important to him, and this job was everything and more! He wouldn't break up with me, he just suddenly stopped calling. He was overwhelmed with what was happening with his job and totally shut me out of his life!! He did eventually tell me to go on with my life and for 3 months only heard from him a couple of times! How awful!!!! A man that I would have laid down and died for was choosing his career over our relationship! He eventually made a weekend trip to pickup his dog that I kept for him for over a year due to his busy schedule. I wanted to sit down with him to get some questions answered and to finally get the closure that I very much deserved. When he got here I practically had to beg him to make time to sit down with me, in between him visiting friends! We met at a local restaurant/bar, he brought me to tears after making a joke; he paid the tab and left me sitting there in tears!

The next day, he came to my apartment to finally pick up his dog. I left him in the apartment with all of his food, bones and toys packed and ready to go, and wrote a note that I went down to the pool and to take care of my boy! Of course he came down to the pool to say good-bye (which I was hoping for), there I was stretched out in my black string bikini soaking up the rays! What a sexy way to have him remember me, right?! (That was my plan.) We talked a few minutes and said good-bye! I went to visit my family to get some love and support for what had just happened! Called home later to check my messages and there he was!!! He must have sprinted to the phone to call me! He sounded pitiful! The message pleaded for me to please call him as soon as I got home! Which of course I didn't call!

The very next morning I'm awakened by his call begging for my forgiveness and went on about what he did to me was terrible! I eventually forgave him and we spent the next 3 months making up for lost times! We talked about getting married and he met with a jeweler a couple of times. I harbored a lot of resentment towards him and doubted his love for me and my love for him. I eventually broke up with him and met someone else whom I saw a lot of; in the meantime P. freaked out!!! He was a total mess!! Called me a dozen times a day...begged me to come back. I eventually missed him and decided to make plans to visit. Just as soon as I spoke those six simple words "I'm sorry, I want you back" he changed his whole attitude! He was confused, said he had to think about it and get back with me. He did finally get back with me and decided that too much damage had been done, and that because I dated someone else during our breakup, he couldn't forgive me! How sad is that?!

I miss and love this man with all that I am and more!! I'm devastated and find it hard to breathe without him!!! I miss my best friend and my lover! It's been 4 months now and I can't seem to snap out of it! He has been MY LIFE for 2 years and I honestly thought we would marry and grow old together! He came into town last weekend and I agreed to keep his dog for the weekend. We did run into each other out in a local bar (thank God I looked breathtakingly beautiful)! We hugged and said hello and that was about it. It was brutally uncomfortable for the both of us, kept the conversation simple "Hi, how are you"...etc. He was very heartless! Did he ever truly love me?? Was this breakup my fault because I brought someone else into the picture as he begged me to come back to him! Help me to get some closure so that I can move on with my life with a clear conscience knowing it wasn't all my fault! I feel as if I can't go on with my life without him! Yes, I am seeking therapy, but It's not taking away the pain!

-- Desperately Seeking Forgiveness and Love

Dear DSFL,

First of all, thanks for the public service announcement to people worried about their looks: tall and blonde does not equal happy. Or hooked up, even.

But oh, DSFL, what can I tell you? Except this: of course it wasn't Your Fault. Though I'm not surprised you think it was, 'cause (a) we all think that as part of normal breakup "Why?"-fumbling and (b) somewhere, not-that-deep down, you have this funny idea that about you, your looks are about all there are to like. That, aside from (a), might be why you think something totally legal could have been a breakup-causing blooper. I know his Explanation covers the "why" about as thoroughly as a string bikini, but that, alas, is often how these things go.

Finally, don't expect therapy -- which is definitely a great idea -- to "take away the pain" all by itself. Only another T-word can do that. Or maybe even a D-word. (Hint 1: Your own, not his. Hint 2: They love you unconditionally, no matter how you look.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

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