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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was dating this girl for about 7 months and really starting to fall for her. At least I thought I was. We met at the office. She works for my family's business.

The relationship began under strange circumstances: She was living with another man at the time enduring an incredibly destructive relationship. At least that is how she described it. She had a child that she left with this guy to go out with me. She would spend the night at my house as well.

She finally packed up and moved out into her mother's house, not actually taking everything of hers with her. This guy she was living with has been on house arrest for as long as we were dating; he cheated on her in front of her, he used her for her money, he publically degraded her. So, she got out.

We ended up having to make a sneak attempt into her old apartment to gather all her old belongings. I gave her everything: I let her borrow money, I babysat her kid, I took her on trips, I bought her everything she ever needed (she never asked for any of it). I just did it out of the goodness of my own heart. When I say everything I mean everything. I ran errands for her, help lay carpet in her new apartment, worked on her car, took her out, accepted her son, everything.

My problem was that she never got it! She never seemed to appreciate what she had and what I was doing for her. I took her and her son to a Yankees game and got up and left to walk around with her son for about 2 hours -- just leaving me there alone. She left me on New Years, Christmas, at a bar, at home, and at parties. The other day I reluctantly went to the party of one of her friends and she gets a little drunk. Well she asks if she can go for a ride on the back of this guys Harley -- I say sure. Thinking it'll be just around the block, 10-15 minutes tops. An hour and a half later she's not back. I get in the truck and start to head home. I make one last stop thinking she may be somewhere and lo and behold there she is -- completely unaware of what she did. Completely clueless.

-She got on the back of some guy's Harley.

-Left me at a party where I knew no one.

-Embarrassed me

-Disrespected me

-etc.

I take her home and leave. She calls me apologizing up and down.

I take her back

Note: This girl never talks about anything emotional. She never wants to discuss our relationship. NEVER! This drives me crazy. I'm a talker. She won't say a word. Not a word. About a week after the Harley incident I want to talk but she says no. So I break up with her and tell her never to call me again. I tell her she doesn't deserve me, she doesn't do anything for me, I have nothing to thank her for, she's never been there for me, all that crap.

All she does is agree with me and tell me she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. It's been a little over a week now and I have yet to hear from her. I thought she would finally understand what she did and call to talk. Well what happened was just the opposite. I've heard through the grapevine that she is back with that guy, going out partying, and generally not even thinking about me any more. I still see her at work everyday and from the looks of it I am definitely the one who is shaken up about this. I feel as though I relinquished the power and now she has it all. I feel like this doesn't even faze her. I can't believe she doesn't understand what she lost. I can't believe she went back to that guy.

What is going on here?

How do I get her to call without asking?

How do I regain the power?

How do I make her want me?

How do I get over her?

Help me make sense of this thing that makes no sense. I just can't understand how she can be so unappreciative, uncaring, and heartless.

-- Confused in New York

Dear Confused,

Hoo boy. I am so sorry you are so wounded. I really am. And I know you feel like she got on that Harley and turned on you, became all of a sudden a different person. Well, at least let me try to allay that feeling for you. Listen, Confused, a person who does those icky things in the first place is not necessarily a person who is going to insta-realize how icky they are when you point them out. She -- at least at this time -- is a person who does those icky things, period. Which is why I am going to respectfully decline to tackle your question about getting her back/making her want you. I think the most important issue here, actually, is the one you raise about power. But let's raise it earlier, shall we? Confused, you relinquished the power when you laid that first foot of carpet. You think all that stuff you did made her beholden to you? No. She is an "exploiter," (see Flattened in New Orleans), buddy, and you were her butler.

As our own Belleruth told Flattened, "You clearly like caretaking, which is lovely ... but you've overdone it, to say the least. So much so that it would make most people uncomfortable -- except for an Exploiter, of course, which is what you got yourself. Do you think your worth to women lies in your ability to do over-the-top stuff for them? If so, you'll start 'overfunctioning' for the next one almost automatically, and the only ones who won't get a creepy feeling about it will be sleaze material or the seriously immature."

And maybe this one bailed because she sensed -- even though you didn't -- that you were started to get wise to her ways. Next!

Which doesn't mean Harlina's not thinking about you, Confused. Hating hurting you. Wishing she felt like she deserved you. For what that's worth.

So in the meantime, Confused, all you can do is seethe and wait, wait til the seething's soothed. Which it will be, all by itself, if you let it. If you let yourself see that truly one day, someone who can take care of herself will let you take care of her.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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