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Dear Breakup Girl,

I, like many others, thank you for your presence. Although I have not requested advice before, I have lurked about your site since I broke up with a partner six months ago--and you and the others who have written, have helped me greatly. I thank you.

My last partner was not a hugely affectionate fellow, but we did have a satisfying sexual relationship, although I had requested more "casual affection" on several occasions. That said, I would consider myself a fan of physical affection--but I seem to suddenly be faced with a confusing and distressing situation.

I recently met a fellow to whom I am quite physically and mentally attracted. We "clicked," so to speak, and have spent many nights together during the past week under the covers. However, during the past three nights, I am finding myself recoiling from being touched in any remotely sexual way--and I almost feel "angry" when he touches me.

At 26 years of age, with no history of sexual abuse, with a couple of very sexual relationships in my past, I am horribly distressed by this feeling. I could understand this being a "no chemistry" type of situation on my part--but I still feel that I am attracted to this man. If I understood why this is happening, I could at least let him know why I suddenly don't want to be touched--but I am unsure of how I could suddenly begin to feel so violated by something I normally enjoy thoroughly.

Since I only recently met this person, I was considering giving it more time--but to feel violated and distressed by affection is entirely unacceptable. Meanwhile, I am searching for excuses to not see him so often so that I might sort this out--and I don't want to hurt him, as he is one of the most gentle and wonderful men I have met. Yikes!

I have a feeling I should perhaps speak with a professional, but in the meantime, I am running out of excuses--and for the first time in my life, I honestly don't understand my reactions enough to at the very least justify them. Any suggestions, BG?

-- Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Back to you for Baffled Two, Belleruth! "Hmmm. There are a few options. You might have intimacy problems, in which case you might want to see a therapist; hard for me to be more specific about that. Or, you might be subliminally picking up something weird about this guy, but haven't identified it yet. Or maybe he's just more dependent and needy than you have a tolerance for. But it's also possible that you're just not used to this much attention, affection, and romping around under the sheets....OR maybe you're someone who needs a lot of space, and never knew it, 'cause no one ever hung around quite this much...So. You needn't be too quick to define your reaction as pathological. Just watch and see."

Love,
BR and BG

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