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Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you way back in November with a two-guy dilemma: the Brand New Guy (the "Republican") and the Ex Come Back On Knees At Lightning Speed (the "Democrat"). You advised giving the ex a chance as he seemed sincere and I had much more invested (a year vs. a month). I tried, I really did, we went away for a fab weekend or three, and yet... once I was out of it, it seemed I couldn't quite get back there. Let me say that this guy had definitely kept me at arm's length and showed me only patchy appreciation during our relationship--some of this being my fault as I am a highly guarded and distant person. He also threw a pretty interesting fear-of- commitment fit at the end. I know that I got closer to him than any other girl but one (he is 35), and this is part of what scared him and also what he misses now. I am still not sure that I gave him a chance to show me that he could be different... I went back to the new guy pretty much immediately... just wasn't feeling it with the ex, plus New Guy is the sweetest, most giving, etc, etc (even if he IS a Republican..and I mean Southern, NRA, churchgoing-- you understand, BG, the Trent Lott thing).

WELL. Cut to six months later. New Guy is hardly new anymore. We have a good, solid, loving relationship. I HAVE cottoned on to the fact that he's not perfect (!)...a great deal of his "giving" and "consideration" is A) a desire to BE perfect in every way, and if he misses the mark at all, or doesn't get recognition for his efforts, he sulks and B) a need to control everything and everyone in his environment. However, this is generally an OK tradeoff, and he loves me to pieces and is supportive ( I am having big trouble at my job) and never so much as looks at other women. I am still in touch with my ex, who lets me know in no uncertain terms that he misses me and even though I have kicked him from pillar to post, would still like to try again. We talk every three days or so (he is in LA, I am in NYC-- another obvious problem), and we have stilted, weird, uncomfortable yet sweet and touching dinners whenever we are in the same town. My boyfriend HATES THIS. I don't blame him, I really don't. I led him a merry chase with my ex and he is still insecure about that, plus his last girlfriend (an indescribably vulgar trainwreck of a wanna be actress) apparently went back to HER ex at least once during their relationship (this girl still occasionally emerges with bizarre calls and stalkage and I HATE IT... but I don't forbid him to have any contact). Sooo... every time my ex calls or sends a letter or, okay, once he sent flowers...anytime my boyfriend is around to see this all hell breaks loose. I have now been forbidden to see my ex or to have any form of contact. OR ELSE.

1) I don't like this, as I am a willful chick and I don't like to be told what to do...and my guy is already way too bossy and controlling.

2) I genuinely like my ex, we DO have a friendship even though he definitely would like more, plus I have hurt him very badly and am loath to just tell him to eff off.

3) I have a lot of leftover feelings for my ex, I admit it, he makes me weak inside in a way that my current guy doesn't always...but a lot of that has to do with how my ex always made me feel that I wasn't good enough, and so in a messed-up way he gives me something to prove....but still... I have big warm feelings for him...but he isn't what I want in a boyfriend, I know that intellectually. He hasn't really been supportive about what's going on in my life...mostly because he doesn't know how, I think, but that says a lot right there, does it not?

I guess what I am saying is that I have a lot of doubts about my current relationship and I maintain this attachment to my ex...and I am really unsure of how to handle this and be considerate to everyone, and not make some terrible mistake... Help!

-- Julee

Dear Julee,

I understand that Trent may still be shuddering from that trainwreck. And why your Democrat parties might bug him. So he is entitled to explain his feelings and respectfully request that you not hang with the ex -- a request that you may respectfully accept or decline or counteroffer, and take it from there. But he is NOT allowed to forbid you to do anything, even with a five-day waiting period. What do you mean, OR ELSE? BG does not like the sound of that. Are you making excuses for Trent? I promise, I would say I'm wary no matter what his theory on whether people vs guns kill people. (Multiple-entendre perhaps a bit overwrought/overstating-of-case, but -- when it comes to controlling/forbidding/OR ELSE types -- not unintended.)

So I'm having a little trouble getting around that to answer the rest of your questions. But I'll try, if only to say this: You may genuinely like your ex; you may have big warm feelings ... a friendship, even. Yay. Doesn't mean you have to actively maintain it, though. Every three days? That's a lot. Plus, what's in it for you? And what's in it for him, really? There is a considerate middle ground here: you can step back without using the "eff" word. (And, for that matter, without doing it because you're obeying Trent.)

Other than that, what "terrible mistake" would you be making at any turn here? As long as you promise me that by staying with this guy, you're not giving up a Lott.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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