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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 28 and have had only a handful of serious relationships, none of which have lasted more than a year. I am currently approaching the one-year mark with current man (who I will call B) and I'm freaking out about myself. Do I need a new attitude or do I just need to take a Chill Pill?

As a little background, my last relationship (9 months) with a guy I'll call E, ended after I had been told all along that I was the love of his life and that we would get married. You see BG, being that I spend a lot of time single, I'm a pretty independent type. I have a full life, lots of hobbies, and I don't like to have to sacrifice a lot. E resented that I didn't spend 24/7 with him, nor was I willing to move my life to be with him. He accused me of being uncompromising (but so was he) and that I didn't make him enough of a priority. The man who once considered me the love of his life dumped me cruelly.

After being dumped by E, I took a long look at my life and how I conduct my relationships. I realized that the kind of man I needed was someone with a strong, independent life of his own, someone who didn't need 100% of his girlfriend's time and energy.

But it also made me take a long look at my own attitude. E was right about one thing. I AM stubborn and there isn't much that I compromise on. I'm outspoken and opinionated and I don't like to be told I'm wrong (my posts on the board prove that conclusively). But I don't know where to draw the line in relationships. I also started looking at other aspects of my personality that might be less than desirable. "Where do I go wrong?" I asked myself. "What can I say I don't like about myself that could actually be fixed?"

So last year I met B. He is E's polar opposite, and, at the time, exactly what I was looking for. He is somewhat of a loner, rather introverted, and protective of his "space." He is funny, intelligent, and fairly down-to-earth, which are also important qualities. But after a couple of months of dating I began to wonder if I needed to be careful what I wished for. It felt as if it was going nowhere and I had no idea how he felt about me. We saw each other for a weekly Saturday night date, after which he would generally get home to whatever needed to be attended to there. His life is rather compartmentalized. Although I enjoyed his company and found myself looking forward to seeing his daily e-mails, I began to wonder if I should break it off.

Then after 3 months, someone gave me a revelation. I took him to a party attended by some friends of mine of all ages. He and a motherly type buddy of mine took quite a shine to each other. I spoke to her a couple of days later and she told me how much she liked him and asked how serious it was. I told her I didn't think it was serious and that it probably wouldn't last much longer. She said to me, "I'm a very intuitive person and I really think B is crying out inside. He wants to be heard. He wants to be understood. He wants to feel safe." In a sense that was nothing I didn't know. I know the guy has "Issues." Who doesn't? I knew he had a rough family life and just as bad luck in the romance department as I did. But I don't believe that someone's "issues" should become an excuse to not give in a relationship, nor do I think that I can "save" anyone from his issues just by caring about him. If B wanted to deal with his issues I would be there for him, but trying to fix his life and make him feel safe with me would be too big a task even for a superhero. But my friend's comments hit home. If she could see how much he was hurting and was telling me that my relationship wasn't doomed if I would only see it too, then maybe I should try to see what I could do. Oddly enough, a month or so later we had our first fight and he accused me of talking too much and not listening enough.

It was a wake up call. I realized I needed another personality improvement. He was RIGHT. I realized that there are plenty of people I'm not listening to and that it was time I started learning when to shut my mouth. It was one of those ugly moments of self-revelation where I realized another place where I "go wrong" in relationships. B made me not like myself that day, but he gave me the tools to like myself more. I made it a New Year's resolution to shut up and listen as well as figuring out just the right place to draw the line when disagreements come up.

Oddly enough, I stopped taking my seemingly cold-hearted boyfriend's little gestures for granted. Here was a guy who, when I gave sad-faced looks toward the display of your book post-BG Live show, immediately bought me a copy. This is a guy who always calls to see if I made it home safely, who makes me see a doctor when I don't feel well, who, despite the possessiveness of his time, always goes with me when I invite him to special events that are not on our regular "date night." He has never shied away from any events where I will introduce him to strange family members or friends. He's still not demonstrative, but I think we're pretty good together. I don't know what the long-term potential is here, but I do know that we have dates in our calendars marked for each other a couple of months in advance. He plans to stick around for a while and so do I.

The problem is me. I'm still on this "attitude improvement crusade." I find myself monitoring my every move with him. I want so hard to seem reasonable and rational and all of the things I sometimes have trouble being. B has this deadpan sarcasm and the other day he jokingly asked me, "Do I ever do anything right?" I freaked. I asked him if he really thought that I felt that way. He said no, but it still worried me. I don't want to be a Rules Girl. I consider myself a feminist and I sure don't want to think that I would ever alter my personality for a man, but I am becoming way too much of a self-monitor. I like to think I'm just confronting my personal demons and just making myself a better person, but I'm afraid that this effort to be a better girlfriend could drive a man away as much as a stubborn streak and a motormouth can. I'm trying hard to avoid these "Am I doing all right?" checks with my man, but every time I say or do something that might be objectionable, I panic.

I don't know if this guy is my Mr. Right, BG (and quite frankly, after my relationship with E, I don't want to decide someone is Mr. Right too soon), but I do know I care deeply for this man and that I don't want to screw up a good thing. Is my Attitude Improvement Campaign going to save me or kill me?

-- Ms. Needatude

Dear Ms. Needatude,

What's going to kill you is your Attitude Improvement Crusade Improvement Crusade. You -- and y'all -- are doing fine right now. Great, if you ask me. He sounds deee-lovely. And you are endeavoring to listen and appreciate: yay. This is unrelated to "altering your personality for a man." Rules Girls worry that he won't stay unless they compromise and accommodate; you're worried that he won't if you do ... but of course he's why you started this campaign in the first place. (You've painted yourself into quite a corner, haven't you? Which is also good news, in the sense that Rules Girls don't paint.) Do your bestest to chill instead of check-in. Your goal: be with people with whom you're comfortable enough that -- though yes, relationships/attitudes always take work -- the constant self-monitoring self-destructs. You know better than I do if this guy is one of those people or not. But I do know that one of those people should be you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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