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Dear Breakup Girl,

It's like this. He and I are juniors and seniors in college, respectively, and we had been together nearly two years at the start of this academic year, in September. We broke up, for various reasons, with a surfeit of compassion and goodwill. We passed back and forth through a nebulous Hate You, Love You phase (which is not to say that we were snippy or curt with each other; sometimes we were talkingand sometimes we weren't talking). We were sleeping together for a few weeks before Christmas, and then he started avoiding me; eventually, after our return from break and two weeks of my coldly ignoring him, we met for coffee. Somewhere in here I figured out (duh, right) that he was seeing someone else, someone serious. I instantly felt relieved--from jealolusy, from doubt. Now my ex and I would have to be just friends, because there was no other option.

We seemed to be on the right track, we had been calling each other with lighthearted but very personal problems, we had been supportive of and interested in each other, and we had had no trouble forgetting about the other for the rest of the week (by forgetting, I mean the good kind, where you have good feelings about someone but don't nurse those feelings into something obsessive whenever they're not around). I took a road trip to New Orleans over spring break, with some unsuitable travel companions. Things got very bad and I got very broke and panicked; I called him and we spoke for about ten minutes, he knew what to ask and what to say, he helped me get back on track, I thanked him, we hung up.

My birthday came over spring break, and on the first day back, I ran into him and he produced from his shoulder bag a regular business envelope, with writing on it and photographs inside of it. The envelope says things like, "I want you to remember me well," "A truly beautiful picture [of me, reading in the bathtub]," "I want you to know that I did really love you," and "Your Friend." The photographs all come from our first year living together, they are black and white and lovely, we were much younger and just learning how to be close. At first I thought the gift was very thoughtful and well-meant. Then I thumbed through the envelope and realized that there were two of each photograph-- like when you get doubles made in case you want to give away part of one, or something. Then I reread the outside of the envelope looking for the overall message. And what I'm getting out of it is this:

He's so happy with his current girlfriend, and his life, and his academic pursuits, and himself, that he no longer feels the need to have pictures of the time that came before now, the time with me. He gave me both sets. He encouraged me to remember him well. He did, at one time, love me; not now. I mean, God. I knew this already. I had figured it out and was sorting through it in my own space, learning to be happy for him and allow my relationship with him to change. And then he goes and dumps this meretricious sneer of a birthday gift on me? We haven't spoken since; I did call and leave him a message two days after receiving the packet, to which he did not respond. We passed each other on the hill a few weeks ago and he tried to make gregarious and chatty with me, and acted surprised when I kept walking.

I know you might want to say that he was trying to do something sentimental and thoughtful, and I can see why. But believe me when I tell you that there is something heavy about those two sets of photographs, there is something unkind in that note. I hate continuing to harbor anger, especially towards someone in whom I have no immediate vested interest. I don't want him back, I'm not trying to get him back, I'm just trying to be his friend, he's got a new relationship,why does he feel the need to remind me that I used to? Is it worth telling him how I interpret this, as I just told you? I don't think he'd care to hear me at this point, anyway, considering the cold shoulder.

So, what's your spin on it all?
-- Tassa

Dear Tassa,

He was trying to do something sentimental, thoughtful ... and butt-saving. New Girlfriends are not known for appreciating it when New Boyfriends still have pictures of Old Girlfriends. In Bathtubs. (I think they need to get over the people boyfriends dated before boyfriends knew they existed, but still, that is often how things are.) So if you ask me, I'd say nothing to him about this but a meretricious "cheese!"

Love,
Breakup Girl

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