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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Mensch excellente and mender of all broken hearts, let me tell you my story and ask for your advice.

I am a late 20-something nice Jewish boy from NYC who, through various accidents, has ended up as a lawyer somewhere in the south -- let's call it Arkansas (it's not) for reasons which will become clear. Picture me as a character from a Woody Allen film, shot with sets left over from the latest Grisham venture.

Where I am there are very few MOTS (Members of the Tribe) -- single Jewish women, or heck, Jews of any sort. My rabbi has a hard time getting a minyan together on Saturdays.

And me -- I'm an old fashioned guy. I've tried online singles groups for Jews but the whole thing just leaves me cold. I just can't connect over the World Wide Web.

Somehow I ended up with a very wonderful gentile girl -- call her Colleen. We had instant chemistry, and instant trouble. I was up front about my preferences; we agreed to hang out as friends. Hah!

Soon fast in love, we considered our options but found that a merger was not in our future. She was agnostic; my faith is very important to me. She didn't want kids; I really wanted a large family. If we had kids, she wanted them raised outside any faith, to me that wasn't acceptable. And my parents would never get over their son marrying a shikse, no matter how wonderful a person she was.

Things were further complicated by something else. How to put this? I am a virgin, by choice. I made a decision to wait until I get married, and have stuck by it. She knew this too, and had been hoping for some sort of Clinton-esque solution to the situation, but it wouldn't fly. I'm not some sort of prude, I really like physical affection, I just like to keep it north of the Mason-Dixon line, until I break the glass, that's all.

In the end we broke up -- and found our way to being friends again before she left. But she had been really mad at me for not being willing to sleep with her. She said that sex has to enter a relationship at some point -- and if marriage was out of the picture, then it had to be there before. A relationship with no possibility of play was just plain wrong in her opinion (and, she told me, a waste of a perfectly good lover).

I'm committed to being out here till 2002. Here's my question: is she right about relationships with no chance of sex at some stage being unfair to the other person? If I am unwilling to compromise on the sex-thang, should I forswear gentile women ?

I figured short-term companionship might be an option, as long as I was honest about the situation; her take was that sort of relationship was possible only in high school.

What do you think ? Should I just resign myself to being completely single until I can leave ?

-- Southern Shlemiel

Dear Shlemiel,

First of all, you are about to get "I'll date him!" emails from my readers. (At least I am; I'll pass them along with permission. I know the cyber thing doesn't do it for you, but whatever.)

Second: Colleen is wrong. Well, just to legalese that a bit, her own opinions/principles are perfectly fine (as are yours). But she can't go around speaking for everyone with her and Has Tos and Unfairs and Just Plain Wrongs. That's just plain wrong.

Now, true, it may be much harder for you to meet your Girl You while you're down there. But no, you totally don't have to resign yourself to singlehood. You're right about your immediate/simplest options (short-term) and the proper approach to them (honesty) in the meantime. Of course it's possible. ( I don't know what high school Colleen went to, but I'd like to establish some sort of exchange program for my younger readers.) To not be able to negotiate that would be a waste of a perfectly good lawyer.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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