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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm not quite sure what to do, if there's anything I can do, for my friend. She's dating this guy that's a total jerk--he won't tell anyone they're dating, won't be affectionate in public, and told her that he won't hold her hand in public while it's light out! First of all, I can't believe she'd take that crap. Second, it's crumbling, as they always do. He ditches her, she get upset, he talks to her, and somehow, he manipulates her into thinking it was her fault. That type of thing happens almost every day. She says that almost EVERY DAY she reconsiders their relationship, because he hurts her and she maybe has enough self-esteem to see what a jerk he is. I know she has it in her somewhere to see how great she is, and what a jerk he is. I don't know what to tell her. I think he is emotionally abusive, the whole manipulation thing, you know? He's obviously not giving her what she wants, and she feels crappy about it. I try to be there, and tell her, but I back off because I don't want to alienate her. I told her to call me anytime, and I take her out when he ditches her. I know I'm being a good friend, but I want to do more because she's hurting! Is there anything I can do to induce a breakup?

-- Laura

Dear Laura,

There's nothing you can do outright to induce a breakup; at some level, that would be telling her what to do, and he is already doing that. What you can do is not underestimate what it takes -- and what it accomplishes -- to be a friend indeed. The crappier she feels, the less inclined she'll be to think she has the pluck to leave in the first place. So don't tell her how bad he is; tell her how great she is. Period. He's not doing that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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