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Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I have been broken up for a bit over two months now. We dated for five months before that. She's 30, I am 31. She's got two sons from her former marriage, ages six and three. When we first got together, I was very wary about dating a single mom, especially one less than a year out of her marriage. She fell for me fairly quickly, and frankly, for the first two months of our relationship, she was the pursuer ­ and I often complained that I felt smothered and overwhelmed by her. (I have come to see that my perceptions of being smothered originated in my fear ­ fear of intimacy, of course, but worries about her children as well.) Over time, I grew more and more comfortable, but sometime in early February everything switched ­ she began to withdraw, and I began to pursue her. She said she had gotten tired of being pushed away, and was worried that I would never be able to make a serious commitment. Since her sons were becoming increasingly attached, she felt that she had to break things off before they got seriously hurt.

I went into full-scale panic from which I have yet to really emerge. Too late, I realized how much I love her, how special and unique our connection was. Too late, I realized that I was capable of working towards a permanent commitment. Too late, I realized that I was prepared to work towards becoming a stepfather.

She tells me that now all she wants to do is play. She had married young (to a narcissistic and brutal jerk), and now she wants to take care of herself and take care of her sons. She has decided that she is just not capable of getting back into a relationship with me. She tells me she loves me, but she also says that my early rejections had done permanent damage; she has a "calloused heart," as she puts it. She is dating others ­ one guy in particular from her work holds her interest, but she also says she will not get serious with him and that she will never fall in love with him. She describes the other men in her life as "toys," but says that that (meaning fun, superficial dating) is all she wants now. She has not introduced any of these guys to her sons.

BUT she still wants me in her life, and still wants to sleep with me. (Both of us have a lot of sexual experience, and we each agree that the other is the best lover of our lives.) I continue to sleep with her, talk to her (even listening to her stories about other men), and I continue to see the kids occasionally. She and I talk on the phone for over an hour a day. The four of us went shopping yesterday ­ and to any outside observer, we would have looked like a happy intact suburban family. Before we left her house, she told me not to "fantasize" that we were all back together. Fat chance. Holding her boys' hands in Nordstrom made me so happy I got tears in my eyes; it doesn't help when her younger son calls me "daddy." Later that night, I broke down and cried (in her arms) because I love her so much, I love her sons, and want to try and make this work.

I understand that she is recently out of a bad marriage. I understand her need to protect her heart and her sons. I even understand why she wants to keep everything light and easy in her life, and date lots of men but I cannot help but hope that she will change her mind, or become ready again for commitment. My friends are split between those who tell me to hang in there and wait and those who tell me to head for the hills. I have tried again and again to not see her, not call her, not sleep with her, but I do not have the strength to adhere to those promises.

We are so right for each other in so many ways ­ emotionally, intellectually, sexually. Our values are similar. And she acknowledges all of this, even admitting that I would be a wonderful step-dad to her sons.

How long do I wait while she plays? I am doing some dating of my own, but everyone else pales in comparison. When she slept with another man, I even (rather adolescently) went out and slept with a woman from my gym, just to keep things even. (It does ease the pain and jealousy just a bit but not enough.)

Do I bail out for good? Forget about her and her sons? Or can I indulge myself in just a little bit of hope? She tells me that there is a chance that we will get back together, but that I shouldn't count on anything. She offers no timetable.

-- Hurting in Hollywood

Dear Hurting,

Then offer her one. Instead of a toy.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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