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Dear Breakup Girl,

Last year I had a great love affair. H and I fell for each other fast (maybe too fast) and all sorts of devotion (the big kinds) were expressed. After 6 months of bliss and feelings of This Just May Be the One, we simultaneously hit major bad patches in our professional lives which elicited the worst in each of us. A month of painful silences, feelings of obligation (on his part) and feelings of desperation (on mine) led him to wham-bam dump me.

First time I'd been dumped. So I get bonus points. I went through all kinds of hell, cut off all contact, got busy busy busy and got some help. (I'm a therapy convert). It took work and time but I got back to my old self.

I should mention that I'm in my mid twenties and have been through significant and challenging relationships before. I'm used to talking things through (Communication Communication!) and most of all sticking with until it's really un-fixable or someone falls out of love. So this I-feel-bad-right-now-so-I-quit approach totally blindsided me. Especially after all the big commitment talk.

So, after many many months of no contact and lots of work on myself externally (job, etc.) and internally, I got back in touch with him. I felt over him and curious what he was up to. He is truly an interesting and good person. Plus, he bought a house in my neighborhood (unknowingly) and we have friends in common and the avoidance thing was hitting the impractical and annoying phase.

So we're talking. We're hanging out. Cautiously quietly. Occasionally. I do all sorts of things to reassure myself and my friends that I'm protecting myself -- don't give him my number, or tell him where I live (My Safe Space kinda thing) and I decide when we get together. And I space apart our little rendevous by several weeks so I have plenty of time to get stirred up, react, evaluate, settle down, get over it. My life is jammed with friends and activities and work.

It works. Very well. Maybe too well.

Here we are, feeling chummy but also "getting down to business." I clean my emotional attic -- tell him he hurt me, why, and that I'm over it. That I want to know him in some capacity. He says all kinds of things to the effect of "I was a jerk." (Validation! What a wonderful thing!") I feel steady, in control, strong, and having a good time too.

We go to exhibits, we go for walks, we meet for coffee. And we have such fun. We share the same wacked sense of humor and geeky appreciation of certain things. We're remembering why we were so good last year. We're becoming attracted to each other again. And my brain is wiggin' out! This is SUCH dangerous territory. Just this past weekend the conversation finally turned to a topic that I'd been avoiding (for fear of it overpowering my genuine desire for a legitimate friendship) Getting Back Together. We know that loneliness is no reason to get back together. We know that simple chemistry is no reason. We both realize that we'd naturally plunge right back into Intense Closeness immediately. That it is totally reasonable for me (and him -- it's not as if he likes hurting me) to be scared.

But. But there's such a strong connection. I've been in love before, I have many friends, but somehow this person resonates with me in a way I've never experienced. And I've gone from: I don't even want to think about getting back together to a feeling of inevitability. How can I feel such a strong and deep bond with someone and still be scared and anxious? How do I know whether to listen to my head or my heart? He's confused too, but not as much as I am. He tells me that he's tried to be interested in other people and it didn't work. That very soon after breaking up with me he had serious regrets. He is saying all kinds of things that sound trite when I type them. Last night he asked me out. To dinner. For Friday. Not our usual Sunday afternoon walk. A date. And I bailed, out of obvious freakedness.

But I want to see him. I have all these tender urges (G-rated, you dirty readers ;) to be in his space and talk and talk and listen to his deep voice to lean against him. To share things. Way back last year I used to say I breathed slower around him. He puts me that much at ease. He is that warm and comforting that he can slow down a chatterbox like me.

Apparently I'm falling for him all over again. What the heck do I do? It's been nearly a year since I was hurt and it was a doozy.

-- Losing Desperately Earned Control

Dear LDEC,

Lots of people write to me to say things like, "I had a mediocre relationship. I made no effort to get over it. When we talk now it's as if nothing has changed. I have no friends or hobbies; my job sucks. Sheer loneliness, I think, is an excellent reason to get back together. And I am not nervous at all about this prospect, on account of I haven't really given it serious thought. Do you recommend a reunion?"

You, LDEC, are not one of them.

Go ahead and fall. This could be -- much like validation! -- a wonderful thing!

Love,
Breakup Girl

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