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Dear Breakup Girl,

Over a year ago I started dating a football player during my senior year in college. I was 21 at the time and because I'm very tall (six feet), I don't usually run into guys as big as him, which I liked. (A LOT!) After five months of dating and me not being very committed, I broke up with him. He had left me one night at a party, and I ended up walking home alone because I couldn't get a ride. It made me so mad that he treated me like that, and I reasoned that if I wasn't even in love with him, why put up with that treatment? I gave him the boot. (If he was willing to put me in a dangerous situation like that then he didn't deserve me anyway.) It hurt though, and afterwards I realized I had fallen harder than I thought I did. I was glad for the relationship/life experience I had gained, but I got accepted to grad school two states away so I left to start a new, challenging part of life.

Enter the BIGGER football player, (player #2). We had hung out casually over the summer, after I broke up with player #1, but before I left for school on the West coast. Since I was leaving I never even considered it to have any potential, even though I thought he was a cool guy.

Once I got out to school, and realized how hard it was, and that my days of carefree frolicking were in the past, I started to get very homesick. I started to miss player #1 and question whether I had done the right thing by kicking him to the curb.

(Here's where it gets REALLY complicated.)

Then one day my friend Amy emailed me with FANTASTIC/TERRIBLE news. It turns out that this fine, fine, FINE guy (football player #3) had had a crush on me before I left. Not only is he fine but he is smart, funny, kind, the WORKS. But also majorly shy. Apparently just as he had gotten the courage to ask me out, he learned from a mutual friend that I had already moved away. OWCH!!! After hearing that I was ecstatic: this honey of a guy was going to ask me out? But trauma! I had been THISCLOSE, yet now 10 hours away. At this point all thoughts of Player #1 were purged from my memory. Amy promised to arrange a set-up with #3 during my next visit home.

It never happened. The numerous times I came home that first semester legitimate roadblocks occurred. His parents were in town, the team had to travel somewhere, etc. It just never materialized. I was bummed, and found solace with my good buddy player #2. (He was redshirting so he wasn't travelling anywhere).

#2 is a great guy. We started emailing and calling each other constantly. He seriously became my best friend. He really consoled me through the hard times out here on my own. One weekend we met in Las Vegas and it happened -- we kissed. He was whipped and I knew it. What is sad is how that really fed my ego, which was feeling deflated so I used him to bolster it and feel better about myself. Nonetheless, although I knew he LIKEliked me, I knew it wouldn't work out. (As a side note: we are different religions and mine is that it is VERY SERIOUS to marry outside the religion. My parents did it and went through a MESSY divorce, and I wasn't going to repeat that situation no matter what.)

CHRISTMAS BREAK: It's too hard to explain but through a connection I got invited to travel with the team to the holiday bowl game back east. I was stoked but it got tough, because #1, #2, & #3 were all there. I saw #1 peripherally, we were civil to each other but that was loooong over. #2 wanted to be with me EVERY WAKING MOMENT. #3, the shy/fine dude, had no clue that #2 & I were seeing each other. #2 (much as I love him as a friend) had no idea I was pining for #3.

At long last #3 moved into action. We went to a movie, had dinner a few times, pretty casual but a lot of undercurrents and vibes communicated. And I LIKED him A LOT!!! But I didn't want to hurt #2's feelings, and I knew breaking up with him would kill him. So essentially I was sneaking around behind both their backs.

Nothing comes of #3. Apparently word just got out about #2 and I so he stopped pursuing altogether. (I told you he was shy!) I go back to school, #2 and I resume the emails and calls and occasional visits in Vegas. He tells me he loves me; I realize it's getting way too serious and I could seriously hurt this person. Over Spring Break I call it off. We both cry, but it's the right thing to do. I realize that it's just not fair for me to let him like me so much when I don't return the same feelings. Because really, it's #3 that I LIKE.

So I get back to school two weeks ago. #1 swoops in and emails me that he "got word that [#2] and I broke up." WHAT?!?!

I'm not feeling so guilty anymore so I email #3 and tell him what's up, trying to spark something again because he's bound to have heard #2 and I are officially over.

#2 emails me to let me know he's converting to my religion, that he's grateful for the time we had together, and to thank me for introducing him to a way of life he really believes in.

AAAAAGHHHH!!!! So here's what my questions to you boil down to. (Sorry it took so long to get to them.)

First, what is #1's deal?!?! Why the commentary from him that "I heard the word you broke up. I just wanted you to know that you looked really good last time I saw you. I about had a heart attack when I saw a ring on your finger, I thought maybe you were engaged or something . . . " (It was just a glass ring I happened to be wearing the day I saw him last.) What is his deal? Is he wanting me back, or what?

Second, #3 hasn't emailed me back. I at least know that he's attracted, but I don't know if he's willing to go to the effort that I think he thinks I would be. I told him I would be coming back for the summer, and that I thought he was cool, etc. So can you offer a prediction on whether this has a chance, or should I just give it up because it's become too complicated and drawn out now?

And lastly, poor #2!! He has made a major life change, and the man treated me like a queen. Did I even deserve him? Did I do the right thing by letting him go? Am I just a total jerk?

Feel free to criticize, berate, etc. I just need some advice. And edit to your heart's content if you need to.

-- A girl with the fever for the flavor of football

Dear Girl with Fever,

Let me just say that while I enjoy -- and can actually sort of follow -- the occasional Packers/Patriots Superbowl, I will be unable to pepper my response with clever plays on football terminology. You guys write me with the fever for the flavor of hockey, and we'll have a ... field day.

Anyway. Fever Girl, chill. #1 is flirting. I think that's pretty much it. #2: wow. All you can do is trust that he's telling the truth about the "way of life he believes in." If indeed he's not converting to, well, chameleon, if you know what I mean, then hey, there's a nice unexpected breakup bonus for both of you. #3, remember, is shy. And the fact that nothing gelled before may have scared him off. You're allowed an email or two, and that's it.

But while I'm here, help me with some math, will you? This whole thing started over a year ago, when you were a senior. Then where are you now? What's all this about school -- is it graduate? But then what's with the football? Not that we ever stop, you know, doing beaux algebra or preserving their speech in formaldehyde for dissection with a partner. Still, this whole deal sounds a lot like high school, or "The Program." If I've missed something, feel free to criticize, berate, etc. But maybe it's time to graduate.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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