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Dear Breakup Girl,

I come to you in hopes of some kind of answer for my question, which I have not had relief from for over a year. The story is this: I ran into a guy I used to work with12 years ago while visiting a friend at his work. This guy, D., walks around the corner, and the whole room lit up! We both were obviously delighted to see each other, and after chatting briefly, I left, but couldn't stop thinking about him. I called my friend to ask if D. had a girlfriend, and turns out he had asked my friend about me as well. So, from there we started dating, and it was the most incredible experience I have had as far as relationships go. We got caught up on what had happened to each other over the past years, admitted we had always liked each other, and it was so magical. We had so much in common, and he had everything I was looking for in a guy. (or so I thought). We both had some issues that we told each other about -- mine was the recent breakup of a 9-year relationship, (in which the guy I was with left me for someone he'd been having an affair with), and he confessed he hadn't had a serious relationship in a long time, and had this weird problem where he expected something to go wrong in his relationships, no matter how good everything looked, he felt it would end sooner or later, for whatever reason. He also told me he had low self-esteem, which he had been in therapy for. When I asked about past relationships, he told me when he broke up with the last girl he was with it messed him up so much he went to live with relatives in the South for a year. Hmm, I thought. So we knew about each other's foibles, and I knew about this weird fear he had about always expecting a relationship to end. And at one point when I asked him if he had three wishes, he said one of them was for unconditional love.(which I thought a bit odd, but I was willing to love him as unconditionally as I could -- I mean, I was seriously crazy about him, like I had never been about anyone before, and felt like this was "the one".) But I just decided to let whatever would come, come, and enjoyed being with him.

The problems started when he and I were laying on my bed talking about whatever, and it came up that I had had a hysterectomy. He asked why (medical reasons), and then told me he'd always seen himself as being a dad. Well, I got cold inside (women's intuition?) maybe because I could see this was a BIG subject, and that things were getting serious with us. (We had been together for 2 delightful months.) Well, that conversation stayed on my mind, and one night I called him and told him I had to talk with him. I was crying, and told him I was scared. We hadn't slept together yet, and I told him after talking to him about the kid thing, I was concerned about sleeping with him, as I knew I would get very attached. And I told him although I hadn't been able to have kids, there were other ways I brought them into my life. (I have a godson I spend time with.) Basically, I was freaked out that this would be the beginning of the end, since I couldn't have children. SO we talked about it, and he asked how I would feel if we broke up. "It would break my heart" I replied,. (DUH!) So, things got smoothed over that night, and then I saw him the next week and he acted stressed and preoccupied. I gave him a massage, trying to ease things (he said it was work), and then we started messing around and went into the bedroom. When he didn't respond to things, I questioned him again about what was wrong and he confessed that he had been stressed all week, that he couldn't sleep, because he thought he wanted his own kids. Then he started crying, and asked me what that meant. I was just stunned, and frozen. I then asked if he would consider adoption as an option, since this appeared to be the only problem we had encountered that was so huge, and we were so crazy for each other, I couldn't believe this was what would end it for us. And I started to cry, and he just repeated that he thought he wanted his own kids. Then he asked what this meant, and I told him I couldn't grow a new uterus, and that there was nothing I could do. I got up, got dressed, he hugged me (still crying), and told me I deserved good things. I didn't know what the hell he meant by that, but then he told me something else trivial, as his tears were drying, and I told him he didn't get it, that I love him. He just stared at me and said "We've only been dating a few months." Then as I got ready to leave, he asked if he could call me sometime. I was still in a state of shock, so I told him maybe after a while. And that was that. He never did call, though I contacted him a few months later to talk about trivial things and make sure we could look each other in the eye, but after that he never called, never responded to a letter I sent thanking him for the good things in our relationship, and now when I see him out, he totally ignores me.

Now, we both had acknowledged that we had felt like the other was "The one," we had been crazy about each other, etc, and he can't look at me or talk to me. And I know some guys feel the need to propagate and keep the "name" going, but he had a brother who had kids, so this wasn't the issue. So I am left feeling like I did something wrong to make him leave and to make him act how he does when he sees me. Our breakup happened in December of 97, and I am still so bothered about all this I think about it all the time. (And yes, I am seeking therapy, but it doesn't seem to help.) I don't feel I have closure on this, but I sure can't get it from someone who chooses to ignore I'm alive. And it's not because he's seeing anyone, because he isn't. I need some relief -- can you offer answers?

-- Confused Still

Dear Confused,

Okay, ow. That smarts, huh? I mean, you want someone to love you unconditionally, above all, such that problems aren't Reasons to Leave but rather Stuff We'll Just Have to Figure Out How to Deal With. Right?

And that's what you shall have. But not with this guy. For him -- what can I say? -- the kid thing is/was a dealbreaker. And frankly, I can understand that. You don't have to be Patriarchy Guy ("propagate," carry on name, etc.) to wish you could be The Dad. Flesh and blood.

Add to that his background/history, and the kid thing gives him a wicked big Out.

Also, he appears to be the kind of person who happens not to be an excellent post-breakup communicator.

All of which is to say, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I promise. You may have lost the power of perhaps the greatest magnitude -- and I'm so sorry about that -- but none of us really has/had in the first place a power that might otherwise be equally great: the power to "make" anyone do anything. So don't look to him for closure, as you seem to imply in your last paragraph. The elusive power of closure is this: it's a choice. It can't depend on the other person, 'cause then you'd, um, still be in a relationship.

So I don't know, Confused, it's been a long time. At this point, it's not about him any more. What are you getting out of blaming yourself? Does it keep you from having to deal with this all over again? You tell me. And do you have other stuff going on in your life that can take the place of this guy and your guilt ... (in addition to your godson, which is an excellent idea)? And I assume you've talked to your therapist about coping with the hysterectomy? I mean, you don't have to be Womany Woman to wish you could be The Mom.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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