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Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, it's "Jo" the loony Norma Desmond Clone *again* -- remember, I wrote you last year about a married friend I'd been flirting with for five years, who kept me on a string by running hot and cold; I couldn't figure out why he'd keep stringing me along, and you suggested that he probably had ethical issues re: his marriage.

There have been further developments which have made things more, not less, confusing.

He and his wife and kids moved back to this city, largely to enable their impending breakup to take place as amiably and effectively as possible, according to him. He took a job teaching at the library school here. I was pleased to see him back, since I thought that this might be a good opportunity to clarify the situation between him and me, as well.

Well, the first month or so was pleasant -- he called me, and we got together in the evening at the pub which was our old stomping ground. He teaches a course on Tuesday nights, so we'd meet on Tuesday nights, or Mondays. Much the same events happened as happened before he moved away -- intense discussion, hand-holding, the usual "oh, how I've missed you, how much I care for you," passionate necking on the street corner before parting to our separate abodes. All of this has happened before; no movement ever happened in the situation, however, so I wasn't holding my breath. But it was still great to see him again -- I really *am* attracted to this guy, and I have been for years.

At this point, I figure his talk about leaving his wife is still just talk. I'm not going to expect anything until he actually *leaves*.

Then, in the middle of February, he arrives at the pub one Monday night, and tells me that he slept with a friend of his in Chicago, during a trip down to arrange the selling of their house. He presents this as a one-night sort of thing -- I"m not sure how honest he's being, here -- and tells me that he's told his wife about it and she is furious (despite the fact that, again according to him, he's been sleeping on the living room floor since they moved back to This City).

Now, this is hard to hear -- since, as tacky as this sounds, I've been more than willing to sleep with him, married or not, for years now, and I've made this quite clear -- and he's never actually been willing to have sex with me, although he's operated as if this was an affair in every other sense. But, I think *hey* I'm an adult, and he's an adult, and he can make his choices and I've got no right nor reason to expect that he consult my feelings on the matter -- we aren't lovers. But, I do have the right (I figure) to a straight answer, which is what I've wanted for years now.

So I asked him how he feels about me; if he's interested in me sexually, or if he wants to just be friends, what exactly is going on (because, just let me clarify, after 5 years of my waving my arms and saying "hey, if you ever want anyone, *over here*!!!" he chose to have extramarital sex with someone else -- this is of course his perogative , but if he doesn't want me and he does want someone else I want him to say so, so that I can stop hanging around *hoping*. I make this as clear as I can).

He says of *course* he's attracted to me, that he has been for years, that he really really wants to sleep with me, that he really wants to try things, but he just needs to get out of this marriage. He can't promise anything, but he's really interested. Really. Passionately. Madly. Deeply. Etcetera.

Fine. I figure I'll give him a month -- this is at the end of February, and if there's been no movement on this stuff by April 1st, then I'll just cut him off and never see him again. My roommate is going to be out oft town for a weekend in the middle of March, and I figure, good, we'll actually see if his expressed attraction is "real" enough to actually *do* something about -- we've got a weekend with an empty apartment to ourselves.

The next week, he and his wife have a knock-down drag out physical fight over this woman in Chicago, and he winds up with a lulu of a black eye and\ a broken pair of glasses -- and he leaves (this is on Thursday). He leaves me a message on my answering machine on Friday night at 8 or so, saying "come to the pub, I want to show you something" but he doesn't actually say "I'm in trouble, this has happened". I get the message after getting home (working late in the library) and I call the bar, but he's just left. He then goes off to friends of his in the suburbs and, basically, drinks for the rest of the weekend. He doesn't call me, doesn't give me any info about what's going on.

On Monday night, therefore, we meet as usual in the bar -- and he tells me about this fight and shows me the eye. I am shocked, furious with his wife and feel terrible for him, and immensely guilty that I missed his call on Thursday. I tell him to come and spend the next weekend (the one my roomie will be away for) with me, and he says "well, I think I might leave town for the weekend, I think I just need to get away". Again, this is okay, I understand; he doesn't need any demands right now, and I'm not going to be a high priority (nor should I be).

Then, we go back to the room that he's taken in one of the residences, and have (very mediocre) sex. Fine, yeeha, we've *done* it, sort of (only sort of, since he's drunk, strung out and exhausted, and I'm not exactly the fastest starter in the world -- after 5 years, this was not worth waiting for. But I figure it's the beginning of something, so...).

I leave, and he declares that he's going to leave town for the weekend. I tell him I'll see him the next week, then; make supportive, affectionate noises, tell him to call me if he needs anything or if he needs a place to stay.

That Saturday, I run into him in the library. (Fine, he didn't leave town). I tell him to call me, he does, and we get together at the same bar that night. No physical contact ensues (fine, he's tired, etc). That Monday he calls me, as per usual; we drink. I hold his hand. We go to separate beds.

Three weeks have passed since this. In that time, he's left his wife, he has his own place, and he's filing for divorce.

In other words, the obstacles that have been in the way of a relationship are, at least nominally, gone. But the same pattern that pertained before he left his wife still does -- he only ever calls me A) on Monday or Tuesday night B) from the neighborhood pub C) when he wants me to arrive *right then*. He doesn't call to set things up in advance (even during the day), he doesn't want to do anything but drink at the neighborhood pub, and he doesn't want to see me on the weekends.

Okay, I've been a supportive friend. I've been an interested-but-not pressuring potential girlfriend. I've been a drinking buddy. But at this point, I'm thinking enough is enough -- even with all his trauma and pain, I think I'm entitled to a little more. I don't want to spend my Monday nights in a pub, and I don't want to see him only if I happen to be in when he calls and free right that minute. I don't want a "relationship" that *only* entails watching him drink (since I don't, on weeknights) and holding his hand.

Let me reiterate. Should he actually deign to call me any other evening, I'd happily see him. Should he ever want to do anything with me *besides* drink in the pub, I'd be happy to do this. But his actions indicate that he doesn't want to do anything but this, and it seems safe to say that he won't want anything else for the foreseeable future.

Now, I know this sounds like something that's stupid to be upset about. I mean, where's the harm in a guy wanting a drinking buddy, a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear? The harm, at least as I see it, is that for some reason (in order to get this reaction from me) he's felt it necessary to con me into believing that he was attracted to me, which he's done for the last 5 years. And I fell for it. So I'm a sap, as well as a reject. This hurts like hell and is humiliating -- I mean, I've been kept on a string by nothing and for nothing, except words.

He hasn't actually said anything to this effect -- if I actually *asked* him, he'd deny it. But the problem is that his actions and his words don't jibe, and I've got to extrapolate from what he does -- which is whistle for me once a week, to come and sit with him.

BTW -- My roommate, who's watched this for the last three months, thinks he's taking me for granted, and my friends (who've heard about it for years) think he's a vicious rat bastard who's playing nasty games. Meanwhile, I've been trying to be Ms. Supportive and Non-demanding. I'm getting tired of it, though -- I know, his life is hell (it always is) and I have no right to expect courteous treatment from someone whose life is hell and all the rest of it; but really, I want *something* out of this besides clothes that smell of smoke.

So, I've taken to being out on Monday night -- and Tuesday. True to form, he doesn't call any other night, or for any other reason than to call me from the pub.

This is immensely frustrating, since I'm avoiding this guy that I actually want. If I don't go and talk to him soon, I'll lose any possibility of involvement with him. The problem is, every time I do sit down with him and put my cards on the table, I just lose the hand. So is ignoring him the best thing to do? And, once again, *what* do you think is going on with this man, anyway?

If you could -- I know you've heard about this before, and it's probably pretty obvious to everyone but me what the heck is going on. My roomie's boyfriend has pronounced me a "stupid loser who deserves what she gets for hoping," and I'd like to know if you agree.

-- Jo

Dear Jo,

Do I think you're a stupid loser? Nah. But Jo: enough..

Relationships take work, y'all. Few of them, even Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock's, start without some sturm und drang. But at some point, asking and cajoling and plotting and wishing and analyzing and extrapolating and writing to BG become the whole relationship. Before the relationship even starts, actually. And this guy has not shown Sign One of responding to any of those efforts. (Okay, you had sex. But it sucked.) Nor will he, anytime soon, with any lasting effect. Anyone who's been there will tell you that his divorce odyssey has, in fact, just begun.

( Clearly he slept with Chicago and not you because she was less significant than you are. With you it would "mean more." Which he wasn't ready for.)

You're correct, in this context, when you say you have "no right" to want and expect this, that, and the other thing. But Jo, don't you want and expect something out of life besides smoky clothes? Skip the pub tonight, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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