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Dear Breakup Girl,

My lovely boyfriend of one year has just confessed to fantasizing about hurting people. He has never hurt anyone and so far as I know has never even had a fist fight but he says that sometimes, about once a month or so, he has fantasies about hurting people. He says the list of people includes everyone including me. He has never raised his hand -- or even his voice -- to me. I am so confused. I love him but I have never heard of anything like this. Is this normal ? Can it be treated? I should also mention that I have 2 sons who like him and I am concerned for their safety. Yet he has never hurt them. He seems to love us yet last night he confessed this to me. He calls himself a monster. I am so confused. I am in love with this man and yet now I feel scared and unsure. I know that his childhood was very abusive -- particularly at the hands of his mom. Yet for the most part he is the sweetest man I have ever known. Should I leave him? I love him but I am scared. Thanks.

-- Sad and Confused

Dear Sad,

My goodness! Well, it's natural for you to feel scared here, but according to Belleruth, there are some things in your letter that suggest you might have relatively little to fear. She says, "The most pivotal thing is that he called himself a 'monster.' This is good. (Perverse, ain't I?) It means he's uncomfortable with his fantasies. Not that we want him to feel terrible, but it does mean there's some mitigating conscience at work here. My guess is that he's not necessarily dangerous. The person he loved as a kid, his mother, was an abuser, and in feeling helpless to retaliate, he fantasized about getting her back. Now he's evidently stuck with feeling his ambivalence in spades with everyone he loves. (Everyone does this to some extent... we're all ambivalent, after all.) I guess I'd want to know if he's ever done anything overtly sadistic in past relationships. and if he's ever felt he was close to acting on his fantasies. I'd also want to know if he can say he's steamed and talk about his anger when he's mad at you for the normal, everyday stuff that comes up...I'd also want to know when he's starting therapy -- which, yes, could help with these fantasies." And with your worries.

Love,
BR and BG

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