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Dear Breakup Girl,

Please tell me what I already know. I was dating (up until a month ago) this guy for about a 1 1/2 years. We had a lot of fun together. He was the 'idea guy' and I was the one who could make the idea happen. We started as buddies and naturally evolved into something more.

The problem was his drinking. I did not realize how big a problem it was until he started spending weekends at my place. Often I would find him at some level of intoxication. When he was free and I was working, he would drink himself unconscious. By this point, I was in love and couldn't stand to watch this happen. I confronted him. We fought and broke up. He came back and asked me to help him to stop. I gave up drinking. We did non- drinking things (zoos, museums, roadtrips). I thought we were a team, facing this together, just like we faced everything else, together.

Then the lying started. First he hid his drinking, then he flaunted it. The fights became more frequent. I made a mistake and gave ultimatums and didn't follow through. Finally, it became too much, I told him if he insisted on drinking in my apartment, it was over. He drank two bottles of wine (reserved for guests) and refused to leave. A VERY TENSE night followed, things were said bad and good; we slept in different rooms.

At 6 the next morning, he woke me up, insisting on going out for cigarettes. I refused to go with him or to give him keys. I told him AGAIN that when he left, he would never be let back in. I stood at the open door. Then he wanted to talk. I said too late. He left.

That was a month ago. I have returned his things to his mother. I have changed my phone # and locks. I have read about alcoholism since then. I really loved this person. I was right, wasn't I? I want to help him but I can't, can I? (this one I know the answer to). But what I need you to tell me is that it will stop hurting, that I will be able to trust again. I miss him. When sober, he was my best friend. But I deserve someone to be my friend at all times. When will the hurt stop? And what should I do if he returns? Sober, that is. Can you trust someone again? Do they deserve the chance? Or is this just a pipe dream that I'm having? I hope he is ok. I hope I'll be ok. Will it get better? I know what I would tell someone, but I hurt so bad inside, I can't think straight. Thanks for listening. Better alone than unhappy or unsafe --

-- Liz

Oh sad Liz,

Our Belleruth says:

1. Yes, you absolutely did the right thing.

2. If he shows up saying he's sober, you should tell him to come back in six months with a signed testimonial from his AA sponsor, and maybe the sponsor him/herself, and perhaps you'll have a coffee with the two of them at 10 AM for a half hour. or maybe not.

3. Yes, the hurt will go away. Honest. Meantime, you could spend some time examining your own intriguing inner workings and how you let yourself be deluded... Were there obvious signs (say, unconsciousness?) you were invested in ignoring? If so, what's that about? Things to think about next time. And if there is a next time with this guy or another drinker -- given whatever you may or may not have discovered about yourself -- there maybe should also be a first time with a bit of therapy.

You already do know a lot about what you can and can't do, and about what you did. Now know that it can be different next time.

Love,
BR and BG

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