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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a female friend in her late 30s -- smart, competent, creative, looks just fine. She has been friends/lovers/codependent with Le Dude since her college days. I have met him in person once--he seemed perfectly normal, a little quiet, cultivated/intellectual. But FF tells me he is WAY messed up--big time depressed, alcoholic, pushing 40 and has never held a job (family money keeps him fed), etc.

They were a couple for years, but she broke it off a year ago vowing to find someone better able to take on a relationship and maybe a family (she wants kids). But they stayed in touch, LeDude went downhill in a big way, and FF chased right after him.

She feels very committed to Le Dude's well-being and says she wouldn't let anyone get into the state he had gotten himself into (drinking heavily, withdrawing from everyone, not answering the phone). FF suggested to his family that he might benefit from psychiatric hospitalization. All but one of them stopped speaking to her. That one agrees with her view of the situation but won't fight the rest of the family.

Now she is letting LeDude move in with her, again. She swears she does not want to marry him, she wants to find someone in better shape, but she just picked up LeDude at the airport on Saturday night! And that afternoon she was asking my advice about whether to make that last-minute call to some other guy she's had a longstanding crush on and suggest they give it one more try, despite his insistent refusals to do so on previous occasions. Yikes! (n.b. I told her it was a bad idea to call him.)

I asked FF if she wanted to be LeDude's wife or shrink or what. She said "not wife," but she's not acting like it. I know they slept together a few times while officially broken up--she says it was just out of sheer loneliness on her part. I don't know what they consider themselves to be at this point as far as couple status goes, but how can you not sleep with your long-time lover/friend/project when he's in your home????

And she sounds to me like she's putting way more value on restoring his sanity than preserving (or finding)hers. She has done things to take care of herself--she's had treatment for depression, she at least intellectually understands what codependence is, but I see her acting it out and she's not acknowledging it in herself. I hate to use that overused word, but she's really giving a lot of herself and it doesn't seem real constructive to me. She says he made it through college with her at his side, and she'd drop everything and move to New York to do it again while he goes to law school if that's what it takes. I think she's off her rocker.

I told her about this column and she suggested I send in her story for advice. So here it is, with questions:

a) what should she do, given that she just gave him permission to move back in with her while he gets himself together?

and

b) Should I keep gently but firmly insisting she extricate herself from this guy? Or just let her go on her merry way and wait for her to figure it out for herself?

I too have fallen prey to the "I would help any human being in such desperate straits" mentality, but generally managed to find sensible limits. How do I help her see hers without her dismissing my cries for reason as selfish? Obviously she's not going to tell him "adieu" tomorrow and never speak to him again. But how do I convince her she doesn't have to take the place of blood relatives and psychiatrists (she has an MD but she's not in psychiatric medicine)? Thanks, BG--maybe she'll hear you better than she's hearing me.

-- Reenie

P.S. She says he's on anti-depressants but they haven't found a dosage that really works yet. Also LeDude is quite resistant to talking therapy. He tried it once (court ordered after a DUI), but it only lasted a few weeks.

Dear Reenie,

On the one hand, well, hey. Would that we all had friends who would love us/take us in/seek advice on our behalf unconditionally -- in the face of disapproval, even. Fine. But -- well, you already know all that's wrong with this pas de Duh between FF and LeDude. So does she, actually, which is probably why she waved her hand and had you write instead of bothering to do it herself. It may be as simple -- and yet as complicated -- as what she said to you quite plainly: "loneliness." I mean, we can go on and on all day using overused words like "codependence," but at the end of the day, don't we just plain crave some sort of contact, something? And when the guy behind Door #1 is knocking and saying "I need you!" and the guy behind Door #2 is ... whoops! There's no guy behind Door #2! Well, then, whom do you let in? What can I say?

But if your galpal wants to "have it all" -- ie be a good friend AND, you know, tick tock, she's got to find a way to keep Dude at arm's length (which, arguably, might be best for him in the first place). Which means -- and yes, you can suggest this to her, once, and then drop it -- his convalescence with her now has a firm deadline. And which should also free her up to write her own letters.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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