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Dear Breakup Girl

Whee, free advice! I'll jump right in and strive for brevity.

I met and married an older woman (me 21, her 27) and it was good--until she started partying too much, started doing (and eventually dealing?!) copious quantities of controlled substances. Naturally, in the spirit of "in good times and bad," I also dove headfirst into the dubious joys of drug addiction (I turn 24, at this point).

She became a party girl, slept around (from what I gather), and we ultimately separated, though continued living together, me in drug-addled misery, her in drug-driven bliss.

Eventually (after much personal humiliation and pining) I took off (going to jail may have been a motivating factor) and I have largely managed to avoid her, although she fell on terrible hard times, I changed numbers and addresses and have successfully written her--and my time with her-- as an irretrievable loss--I am now 26.

As you might guess, my self-esteem is extremely low. I was terribly used, manipulated, and generally abused over the past 2-2/12 years, and made a huge number of mistakes (career=toast, friends=gone, family=rejected), the majority of which I take responsibility for (I now have major guilt and inadequacy problems).

So, the problem: me lonely, want relationship, horrible anxiety about rejection. Need help. There's also a strange twist: I've turned my sexual frustration and general anger at life towards working out--I'm in the best physical shape of my life, and frankly, I already had a handsome face. So, appearance-wise, I'm now a "catch." I've come to realize that this may not be as easy a place to work from as I thought, as now I suspect that women of similiar demeanor (introverted) are unlikely to approach me, and I'm not going to approach ANYONE, while I don't know the "body language," or even the spoken language, of the fit chicks, who, when I chat with them at this place or another, must think my "vibe" is negative, when I'm really just in fear of making them stick their hand in my face and walk away.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it sounds conceited, but I'm built like a speed skater, now, so the good looks part is pretty self-evident. The communication stuff is a real issue, tho. I tried therapy, but I don't trust the therapists that I can afford enough to open up to them. I guess I've read too many Psych 101 books, so I just think "Oh, he's using 'the pause' on me now, great."

-- Mongo

Dear Mongo,

Not pausing, just passing you over to our very own more-than-affordable therapist-in-residence, Belleruth. She says: "Oooh. Mongo, you were either a tad paranoid and somewhat isolated to start with, and 'Party Girl' finished you off, or you've gotten really phobic about people. The act of a wrecking ball at your life -- career, friends, family -- can't be ascribed only to a lousy relationship; something was amiss before. I recommend that you try again with a therapist you can halfway trust (for starters), or join a recovery group, which is a perfect place to find people who would totally hang with you. Or both. Either way, you've got to stick it out, because your first impulse with Help will be to distance yourself, critique, and bolt. In fact, you're actually more likely to be suspicious of a good one."

So if you don't trust Belleruth, well, that's a start. Listen to what she says, and try to find a way not to use the "pause" on your life.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Also, try not to overanalyze the workout/physique business. Just let the serotonin do its job.

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