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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm very confused about my situation with this really handsome man that I like. Basically I've known him for a few years just to chat to at gigs and nightclubs but then I split up with my (heavy duty) boyfriend and me and this man (let's call him, uh, Ben) accidentally were on the same marketing course that started last October. So we've chatted and flirted and stuff and I keep telling myself that I'm going to make a move ... so last night we went out for a drink after college and he talked to me loads and my friends said we looked very cozy together, only that could be because he doesn't get on with anyone else... so when we left what happened was.....

He said he was going, so my friend and I panicked; she decked her pint and said she must go too and scuttled off sharpish -- I asked him if he was going to walk me to the tram as per usual and he said no, would I be okay, etc. I said yes in a brave "not really but I'm a big girl" kind of way...he didn't take the bait and so we walked out of the bar and stood there and said goodbye and he said he had to go get money from the bank which was why he wasn't coming my way so I said "do you want to borrow the bus fare?" in a very begging manner...so he said no but that he had to get a wodge out rather than just enough to get home...anyway I was quite stressed by this time as boys and I haven't clicked for quite some time and lurve/college/assignment/indigestion were all playing on my mind ... so I just looked sort of tragic and said "I'm really worried about my assignment" and trembled my bottom lip a bit and went for the hug, laid my head on his shoulder but no arms were forthcoming around shoulders so I stepped back and he said soothing things about just taking one step at a time while I looked agonized...anyway then we kissed (but he leaned forward first)...still on the cheek but a leetle bit closer than last time to the lips, pretty much borderline, anyway I was swooning ....then we said goodbye again and I did my brave soldier look at him as he looked after me in a sympathetic manner...

Anyway afterwards I felt unaccountably depressed, as if he had rejected me, but can't put my finger on why, went home, had a little cry over boys and went to bed...

So that is what happened -- as minutely and boringly detailed as I could possibly remember ... what is your opinion?

-- Armele

Dear Bridget, I mean Armele,

"Unaccountably?" "As if" he had rejected you? "Can't put [your] finger on why?" Of course you had a little cry, Armele. You built up to "making a move" for a while, your hopes were flying high ... and yet you were denied at every turn. I mean, well, there's no delicate way to say this -- and you secretly know it yourself -- he took every opportunity NOT to take your bait. Ouch.

But let me take the liberty to give you a little coaching here. Here is a list of words that, when used to describe flirting technique, make Breakup Girl very nervous.

begging

stressed

tragic

agonized

worried

trembled my bottom lip

If you want to attract icky people who want to take care of you rather than ... talk to you (or, say, pirates), then these damsel-in-dis/tress techniques will work just fine. But generally, if you read any of those articles about what men look for in women, "needy," "high-maintenance," and "trembling" rarely make the top ten. And that may be the impression you've given.

I am not saying you messed up, or that you would have gotten this guy if you'd ignored or insulted him or something. I'm just making a suggestion. Especially because, well, why doesn't this guy get on with anyone else? Is that really the kind of guy with whom you want to get it on?

So Armele, you're going to think I'm bloody insane, but this is the fun part. All the analysis and reporting and girl plotting and cheek measurements ... it is all the heady funny nutty stuff of love life. Keep your sense of humor (it's there!); try to make the "brave soldier" thing more than a "look." The boys will come to you when they don't get the sense that you'll cry if they don't -- wodges and wodges of them. (If I have just said something obscene, please let me know.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

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