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SHOUTOUTS I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

To Charity Girl from Been There:

Your story certainly hit home for me...don't worry, there is nothing wrong with you or the types you are attracting. 2 years ago, I ended a 4 yr. relationship with a guy who suffered from depression (1.5 yrs went untreated, causing me great misery, until I made me seek help). Anyway, after we broke up, I met this guy who I thought was neat. Turns out, he too had a mental problem similar to my ex's. Not only that, as I analysed the situation I concluded that there were at least 5 other significant similarities between him and my ex. Obviously I was dating a carbon copy of my ex. Call it the rebound scenario....Now two years later, I have been meeting and dating lots of different types of guys, and no one close to the "type" that I used to think I could only attract -- similar to your description of needy, shy guys. So, I think after this hurdle you'll be fine...just don't give up or convince yourself that you are only meant for certain types of guys. When you open your eyes and get involved in stuff you'll find there are a lot of nice, normal people out there!! Good luck!

To Deb from Tiger:

I just want to comment that Sally in the Saddle (Deb) may have put up with this guy's behavior for two reasons: she seems to think that life is always "I can and must do it myself" so that no one else has to be responsible and be a partner (which BG pointed out)...the other is that she thinks men don't have to explain themselves and that she has to figure out what their moods mean: "I chalked it up to calving"--calving, the miracle of birth? Maybe it's just part of the mystical mystery of machismo, but if she has all of these hobbies and interests, maybe she should find a man who shares them instead of just going for hot and cowboy...

To Deb from Anonymous:

Sorry if this sounds judgmental, but...exposing your young daughter to a guy who drifts in and out of your life, comes by mostly for sex and argues with you the rest of the time, hangs out with women who are either married or have prostitution charges against them, shows signs of drug and alcohol problems, and creeps out over imaginary bugs on his skin? NOT a good idea. Yes, the heart has its reasons, but as a single mom, your priority has to be your child above all else, even if that means a string of lonely nights.

You say you're going to make sure she doesn't suffer any scars, which is good (and that means counseling for her, right?), but there's no way she's not going to be affected by the fact that Mom hung around for so long in such a destructive relationship. She may pick up the message that it's okay to spend years with a guy who treats her like dirt, as long as he still has sex with her every so often and leads her to think he might love her. Kids absorb more than we give them credit for, and your actions speak louder than words.

Sure, you can be sad and angry that the relationship is over. But the best thing you could do right now is to vow to be careful about bringing a man into your daughter's life until you're sure he's going to be a positive -- and hopefully permanent -- influence on her. And lay off the overnight invitations unless he's actually moved in for good or you've set the wedding date, unless you're prepared for her to start sneaking guys into her bedroom in a few years.

To all wanna-proms from Been There/Done That:

I'd like to shout out to all those poor confused sweeties who are agonizing about their date/lack thereof for the Big Night.

The truth is, prom is generally highly overrated. And having a date, even your six-month physics-class knockout crush, doesn't mean that going to prom together will make you fall in love for the rest of your lives, or even dance together for more then a few songs.

Both last year and this year I expected to take my current boy, but my last year's was a flake I dumped soon after, and my current just doesn't want to go. No matter. Last year I went with a good friend of mine and had a blast; this year I'm going with other friends and I'm going to have a blast. My boy doesn't want to go; I'm not going to push it.

The Moral: if you want to go to prom, go. Have fun. Remember, it's just a high school prom. The fate of the free world does not rest on its outcome.

***SUPERWICKEDIMPORTANT CONFIDENTIAL TO SEANTRAYIA!***

Sweetie, I can't tell you how superwickedimportant it is that you click here and/or call 1-800-230 PLAN immediately to figure out what step to take next with regard to your health and your unhealthy relationship. Please please please please please take this and your fine self very seriously.

CONFIDENTIAL TO LADY ORACLE!

Of course you know that what he did and said to you is a deal-breaker (not to mention very, very scary); yet that, of course, doesn't make separating from someone you love any easier. This will be tough, I know. I'd say call 800-799-SAFE; the professional people there will listen and support you in dealing with the aftermath. Good luck, and please take care of yourself.

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