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Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you recently and I think you put me on your marriage/couples counseling list. Since then, I have had two horrible experiences of my partner's temper. About 4 weeks ago, at the end of a tiring and stressful week, we helped a friend move apartments. She didn't have much stuff to move, it didn't take very long and we all had some drinks to celebrate afterwards. We all had 1 or 2 light beers during the course of the evening while moving furniture and my partner then drank a bottle of wine while we were relaxing on my friend's terrace and chatting about life in general. I only had light beer as I was driving but on the way home, he said some unpleasant and hurtful things which weren't true to me (alcohol seems to bring out the worst in him). When I reacted to these comments at home, it was the trigger for him to lose his temper big time -- it was like I'd set the fuse and a time bomb had gone off. He ranted and raved at me, standing a few inches in front of me, telling me that I didn't understand how he felt, how I hadn't supported him while he was out of work (I had paid the mortgage, bills, helped him with job applications etc) and how it was all over for him if he lost his current job. He said more unpleasant and nasty things to me about how cold I am to him (there's a lot more detail to this but I won't bore you) before going to bed and leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong (other than to stand up for myself). I left the next morning to stay with friends overnight, returning the following day to try and talk to him. We had a big weekend planned for the following week with friends, who I didn't want to let down, but the same thing happened the following weekend, on a slightly smaller scale (ie a volcano as opposed to a time bomb). I decided that I should get away for a while and have stayed with a friend for the past week, returning home yesterday.

It's like walking on eggshells at the moment, both of us trying to be nice but not really liking one another, both being very stubborn and neither one wanting to give in. He has said some very belittling things, both to my face and behind my back. He doesn't always make the effort if I arrange social get togethers with my friends, but expects me to be charming, sociable etc etc to people we both know but who are primarily his friends (or would be in any split). I could go on.

My question is this -- is this abuse? How much do I have to take to make it all right? Do I continue this 12 year relationship or should I end it as we both seem to be so unhappy? My self-esteem and confidence are slowly eroding. I forgot to say we have tried counselling but we always seem to get back to a point where we are stuck and never move on. The last time we went he didn't think it was any good and didn't achieve anything.

I hope you can shed some of your famous insight onto this problem for me.

-- Katherine


Dear Katherine,

Yes, that was you on the list, sweetie. I'm sorry. Especially because now that we've got a bit more/different data, well, I'd probably put you on a different list. Here's some "famous insight" from Belleruth. (It may be tough to swallow, so please sip slowly.)

"Yes, it's abuse. Classic abuse. Yes, you should leave. You cannot make it better. That's what the abuser says, always: 'If only you did... hadn't done... could only have... blah blah...I wouldn't have to abuse you this way...See what you make me do?? (Sometimes it's: 'This hurts me to have to do this to you...' I love that one.)

It will not get better. It will not blow over. It will move in a downward cycle, and with each cycle he'll get worse, and you'll be more conditioned to think it was your fault. Bad won't even feel like bad any more... you'll get foggy and confused... sleepwalk to get through your time with him... alas, from what I see in this letter, he is no couples therapy candidate. (Although if you leave and mean it, he'll look awfully good for a while... you'll get penitence and remorse and promises to beat the band... flowers, bended knee... nonetheless, you would best not look back, and keep on steppin'.... otherwise it's back to the cycle.

Memo from Belle: Hit the road and save:

1. psyche
2. spirit
3. life."

Far easier for us to say than for you to do, we know. We know. But call those friends; call another counselor. And call yourself: strong and brave and safe.

Love,
BR and BG

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