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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just been through a relationship in which I feel I've been flattened with a steam roller. I am a 36-year old single parent of a beautiful 9-year-old daughter. Our area doesn't have a very good economy, but I have an excellent job, always have, and pay all my bills myself. I live in the country on 80 acres, in a beautiful log home, my daughter goes to the best school in the area, has her own horse, we have a barn, cats, dogs, enough money (although it's always tight; I have done all this happiness alone; my parents don't contribute financially, because I've never wanted them to). I am supposedly considered beautiful, and am intelligent and, I think, fun, although as a single parent with a demanding job besides, and all our pets, a pickup truck payment, etc., I don't get out many nights to "paint the town." Still, I like a beer and a dance, or dinner out and nice wine.

Four and a half years ago I met Tom. He is the son of very wealthy ranchers in the area (I also grew up on a ranch). He is now 40; at the time we met, he was 35 and I was 31. My life was not nearly as nice then as it is now; I had an excellent job but in an industry plagued by layoff, and it looked like mine would be next; my mother had just had an acute psychological disorder, and my daughter was still much smaller (I find the age she's at now easier, as a single parent). I'd been divorced about three years when I met him, and felt ready for a really good relationship, and to hopefully get married. I don't drink much, but my mother insisted one night that she and I and my sister go out, and Tom was at the bar; my mother knew him as an acquaintance, and introduced us. He informed my sister that he was "taken," I always had an easy time meeting available guys when I wanted to anyway, and really paid no attention. Several months later, I ran into him at the same bar, and sat with he and his buddies; he took me to breakfast, but didn't act interested. I blew it off, because I figured he just wanted to be friends; besides, I was dating two or three guys, casually, anyway. I ran into him at this bar again three months later (we both live near a VERY small town), and he asked me out. From the first date, he strongly pursued me; made it clear I was all he ever wanted, etc. There was one problem - he still went on and on about his former girlfriend and their breakup.

After several months of ranting about former girlfriend sandwiched in with how wonderful I was, I told him perhaps we shouldn't be dating, that he wasn't quite ready for a relationship, yet. By then, our relationship had become intimate. He said no, he was, and stopped talking about old girlfriend. However, he began standing me up, and spending lots of time with a friend's wife, who would listen to tales about old girlfriend. Additionally, I noticed that partying seemed to be his life, and all his friends', too. As I said, I like a drink here and there, but I don't buy a case of beer every weekend and drink myself silly just for something to do. I've lots more to do than that, and lots more interests. Additionally, I'd asked him, quite seriously, when we first started dating if he ever did drugs, and indicated that I was quite, quite opposed to them, and never did them. He agreed with me, and said he didn't like them or do them, either. However, weird things kept coming out, that looked like drugs to me. However, I'd never been around drugs (was married and living quietly from age 17 to 28), and so it was hard for me to tell. He returned to his parents' ranch, 65 miles from town, and I eventually moved out there with him. However, he was sometimes less than enthusiastic about me being there, and his family was quite resentful, in spite of the fact that I worked full time, kept my daughter in private school, and also cooked and cleaned for not only Tom, my daughter, and I, but also generally fed all of them, except his parents (he has an unmarried brother and sister who also live at the ranch; all these people have their own houses, his sister is 42 and his brother is 35). Because I love horses and cattle and ranching, I also helped outside all I could, and loved it.

But Tom wasn't happy, and complained about me continually, and went to town a lot without me, telling me he needed to "keep his options open." I cried a lot, and was angry with myself for the position I'd put my daughter and I in. Yet, I couldn't communicate with him - for one thing, a hired man moved in with us (another to cook and clean for), and his brother lived with us the majority of the time. When it wasn't just the ten of us, or however many we'd become by then, Tom's friends came out from town, and he partied with them while I tried to have fun and killed myself feeding all of them. Then, he began taking off alone (out at the ranch, into the pastures, etc.) with the married woman who had befriended him earlier, over the old girlfriend thing. Because her husband was also generally around (he either watched their kids, or she dumped them on me), I really didn't think anything was going on, but because Tom hardly had any time for me, I was hurt and jealous. I told him it bothered me, and he basically told me to put up or shut up. Finally, at a party his sister had at which he flirted all night with said married woman (who is fat and very homely, but who builds his ego shamelessly like nothing I've ever seen), I blew up, he blew up, and he and married woman and married woman's husband told me to get out of Tom's and my house (I left the party and went back to our house, and so did they). When I quietly told Tom that he and I needed to work this out, we didn't need a cast of thousands in on it, he took my washer and drier (I'd brought them, and the majority of my household things, out there), and threw them and everything else he could lay his hands on into a horse trailer.

Meanwhile, married woman would not leave me alone, and kept grabbing me and telling me to leave. I quietly told her it wasn't her business, and she jumped in my face and said "Are you saying it's just none of my business?" I said yes, that was exactly it, and she apparently couldn't think of anything else to say, and quieted down. Married man (her husband) stayed out of the whole thing; they had a travel trailer out by our house. Tom called the sheriff, but I refused to leave, and the sheriff refused to come (it's a long way over to the ranch). So Tom and married woman leapt into a pickup, hitched up the horse trailer, and took off to town. I quietly went to bed and tried to sleep, so that I could get up rested and figure out what to do. Tom called at 6:00 the next morning, and roared that he was going to throw the washer and drier onto the lawn of my apartment (he'd made me still keep an apartment in town, although I never stayed there) if I didn't get out. I told him to go ahead (my landlord was a personal friend, and would have just put it in a storage area for me); he instead came back home, with married woman, but wouldn't come in the house and talk with me. Kept, instead, sending in married woman or her husband. I so deeply resented married woman by now; Tom's mother (aged) always inspected my kitchen, so I kept everything pretty immaculate, and at brandings, etc., when I was horseback at 5:00 a.m. after feeding everyone breakfast, I still left my kitchen spotless before I left. She (who kept her house like a wreck; I'd seen it) would always come in and cook up for Tom what she called "a ranch McMuffin" or something like that, never give any to me (he and I were on horses, moving cattle for branding), and leave a mess in my kitchen. Anyway, by the end of the day, Tom came in the house, and informed me I had to leave. Playing for time, I asked to stay until the next morning. He agreed, and we went to bed, even made love.

Because we'd fought so much over the past eight months, I thought it would blow over, and left the next day for work. Came back, and he slammed the door and locked it in my face. Went back to my apartment in town, and began rebuilding my life...he came back, but things were always weird; showing up at 3:00 a.m., etc., even though they were always somewhat weird (he always reserved the right to stand me up). He spent Christmas with me, but wouldn't spend all of Christmas Day with me. Coming back from my sister's, I spotted his pickup at a house of a divorced mutual female friend, who had told me every time she was me to come over anytime. Stopped, out of curiosity, and found him, just furious, and her, acting nervous and strange. Because I knew by then that he, and many in his crowd, including this gal, did marijuana (I always suspected more), I just thought they were doing that, and were surprised that me, the non-user, had shown up. He was furious; for the next year, we alternately fought and got along. I got a townhouse, but still wasn't happy, living in town. Lost my old job (layoffs, the poor economy again), but found my current one, which is better. Then, I found this place out in the country, and thought it would be just perfect for Tom and I. Meanwhile, he'd developed a skin condition that he insisted was bugs crawling all over him (I know, ick) and I was trying to help him get past this (he hates and distrusts doctors). But he agreed to have this house in the country with me, to have as ours together. We figured up exactly how much he would pay, and what he'd do, and what I'd do. Then, moving day came - no Tom. I moved nearly everything myself, and finally, he turned up. Didn't say anything, because I was so excited about us having this beautiful (and it is - logs, fireplace, just the right size, in a beautiful and perfect area) home that was just ours.

Except now, apparently, he didn't want it. Kept telling me he was just busy with the ranch, and not bothering to come home. I was trying to buy this, until late one Friday night, a daughter of his current hired man's called me looking for Tom, and told me he had a cheap, awful creature (female) staying out there, and her boyfriend was calling up saying he was going to kill Tom, if he had to come out there and do it. In horror, I sat and thought of what to do; finally tried to reach Tom, but couldn't. This creature had her children taken away from her for neglect, had several times sat on Tom's lap right in front of me (she'd come to his house), and I had asked Tom before if she was after him, or if something was going on; he told me no. As I understand, she has been arrested several times for prostitution - this is the caliber we're talking. I quietly waited the next day (he was supposed to come home), but no call, nothing. Went out to the ranch the next day (I'm never supposed to go there now without his permission; he says it's too disruptive), and there was he and she, and she was sleeping in his bedroom. The two of them persuaded me nothing was going on; he told me to leave, that he hated me, and that this girl was at least fun, and I wasn't. Two nights later, he called me; said he had to talk to me. He showed up, made passionate love to me (yes, I know; I'm a fool) and then announced he was so sorry, but my not trusting him and coming out there was so awful he slept with that creature. I couldn't believe he was honest enough to tell me (now, I think he was sleeping with her all that time, and what a fool I was), and cried and told him it was all right. He was so happy, and we talked all night, and agreed to keep things together. In addition to losing him, I also didn't know if I could afford the new house alone, and I had loved him for so many years, put up with so much, that this didn't seem to be a big deal.

Except he never came back after that, for almost two months. Finally, he did, and all was awfully good for a while; he was home nearly every night, attentive, and sweet....I sighed and thought, we've finally worked things out. Then, the creature who had been out at the ranch began calling my house, asking him to bring her cigarettes (she was in drug and alcohol rehab by then). I was so angry, and her counselor kept calling me as though it was my job to bring these to her; insult to injury. I finally asked said counselor why he was bothering me; he told me he thought he was calling this creature's boyfriend's house. Left it alone; then Tom started spending more time with his brother and brother's girlfriend, who owns a bar five miles from my house. He and his brother never got along well, but it seemed it was all in the family now, and I wasn't ever invited. His brother's girlfriend's parents own said small bar; she works there, and lives in a house next door to the bar. It's actually a fairly nice, clean-cut place, but I was hurt at not being invited, so didn't start to hang out there (besides, I'm 36, a professional, with a small child, and lots to do; maybe a little too old to hang around a bar in hopes of seeing my guy). After that, Tom got really distant; he came home for Mother's Day, but something weird was going on. The good, loving feelings were still there, but he was distant. I chalked it up to calving at the ranch, but tried to ask him. Told him I missed him and I wished we could get married, and that pushed everything over the edge.

For the past ten months since then, we haven't had a relationship. He hasn't moved his things, but he gets sicker and sicker with said bugs, and doesn't bother to come here or call me. I was so depressed over it last summer, and he would occasionally come by when I wasn't here, but then go on to town and party with a new hired man and his wife, both of whom he told me he hated. Fourth of July, he gave me a rather weak invitation out to the ranch. Almost as soon as I arrived, he told me not to think I'd be following him around, and proceeded at this party (a beer bash) to flirt with and chase after every other woman around, except me. To me, he gave put-downs and nastiness. I was reeling by then - where had gone my happy relationship of the winter and spring - and flirted with Tom's handsome cousin, who thought I was just fine to talk with, thank you. Did go home with Tom, and said nothing - didn't quite know what to say. Thought about how nasty he'd been when I moved from the ranch, and how he'd shouted at me, asking just what it would take to make me leave. Thought about all the other times, such as the time when I'd just been spending weekends with him at the ranch, and he put my daughter and I on the highway in a blizzard, with 65 miles to drive back to town. Thought and thought, and have thought ever since. Meanwhile, our relationship has gone completely...for a while, he'd come home for sex, and even that was only about once a month, and I tried and tried to confront him, but he'd just say he was busy with the ranch and to leave him alone. At my birthday, he barely even bothered; yet he took his hired man (still the hated one) out to dinner for his, a week before mine. In October, a major blizzard hit, and all the power in this area was out for five days. Fortunately, we have a fireplace, but it was still hard - no water, because all our water out here runs on electric pumps, and continual feeding of the fireplace, day and night. He had heard about it, and did stop by, but just to throw a haunch of venison my way before going to party with friends. How do you cut up and wrap a haunch of venison with no water? Anyway, my daughter and I did just fine; next month was Thanksgiving. Tom came home a bit more that month; I kept telling him I wanted us to be together at Thanksgiving, he kept telling me yes. The day before Thanksgiving, he told me he wanted to be alone.

I blew a cork, and told him fine, he could be alone for the rest of his life, that I was tired of his never telling me the truth. He told me we should break up, but came and got me on Thanksgiving to have it with his parents, whom I really like (yes, in spite of the kitchen inspections). December, I saw him a few times; begged him to come home for Christmas, and he did, but at 4:30 a.m. Christmas morning (we'd planned on Christmas eve). It seems his brother's girlfriend (the one with the bar) had decided to throw the bar open, and so they all had a party. I couldn't come, of course, because my sweet daughter was fast asleep, and I wondered what the hell his brother's girlfriend did with her children (she has a daughter, 16, whom I think her parents have mainly raised; her other daughter, who is 19, got pregnant at 17 and married). Cried, but didn't want to spoil Christmas for my daughter, and wondered what to do. A few days later, Tom came home again, after I was asleep. Started up a big MGM production for making love, and I just couldn't face it, I was so angry. Told him that I thought we should split up; that I felt we were perfect for each other, but maybe he needed to learn it, and that, with all my responsibilities and my daughter, I couldn't suddenly become a barfly. He seemed happy, made love to me, and said we'll see.

I have seen him once since; we've talked on the phone a lot (his bugs got bad, and I tracked down a doctor; then, he spent weeks shouting at me on the phone to tell the doctors to get moving, which I gently put up with). Twice in the past week, he's said he'd come home, and then didn't, and didn't bother to call (not atypical for him, but I'm SO tired of that sort of thing). I called him on it once, and blew a valve - ranted for quite some time. He said he was sorry, and promised to be here again, and call if he wouldn't. He didn't show, didn't call; I called him on it again (realize, I was making reasonable statements - saying "What happened to you?" in a reasonable tone of voice), and he blew a gasket, said he didn't care about us, and he wanted us to split up. That night, I ranted and ranted at him, about all the support and love I've given him, and for what, but he just says that's too bad, that he doesn't have it to give, won't do it, and I should just live with it. Friday morning, he called and said he'd call me Friday night and arrange a time for us to meet Saturday to talk it over; I asked him if he wanted his things, and he said he'd get them out of my house. Told him I would do that, and give them to him, that I didn't want him in my house, to keep bad memories out of it. It's true, and I have been such an unbelievable fool. I thought, by being kind and loving and supportive to him, that he would in turn be that way to me, and all I've gotten for four and a half year's effort is a slap in the face and a "see ya, wouldn't wanta be ya."

I am so angry with myself for staying with him; he has many good traits, and I loved him and wanted to marry him, but I don't think he's ever cared about or wanted me; I think he was just using me. I've been trying for the past three months to resolve this situation politely, and now I've turned into a ranting, raving witch and I know he's going around saying that's why he did it, because I'm such a witch, and it hurts so much, especially because I put so much of myself into it. I realize this is long - excuse me, it was quite therapeutic. There were plenty of other awful things that happened, too, and nothing much good - why did I stay with him? I begged him and begged him to take me out, and he never would - and early on, when we did go out, we always had fun. Why does he think that I, with my prettiness, my good job, my intelligence, my love for him, don't matter? He didn't even bother to say goodbye to my daughter, and she loves him. I am so angry at myself for that, too - before him, I'd never let my dates even meet my daughter, and I wish I'd protected her from this. Fortunately, she's doing very, very well, and I'll work with her to make sure there aren't any scars. Right now, I hate him for ever starting this up, because I would have never approached him - I never needed to chase men. But now, I don't know - maybe I'm just not good enough, to have a man to love, and just didn't know it. How, after all my effort, all my trying, all my support, could he just throw it away? What on earth happened here? The life I thought I was building here was nothing but an illusion, and I'm so hurt. Luckily, I've been paying all the bills on my own for a long time, so at least I don't have that worry - money's tight, but we won't have to move, and I can keep our lives good. I would certainly appreciate any help you could in helping me to understand what happened here.

-- Deb

Dear Deb,

Welcome to Vicious Circle Ranch. Why did you stay with him? Because the nice and sweet and good (and hot sex) parts are nice and sweet and good (and hot). And rare, at least considering your apparent other options (small town). And lovely when you're a lonely single mom. And convincing. See, they are not counterpoints to the bad behavior, evidence against his bad nature; they are part of it. Every minute of good behavior buys him bad behavior time, doesn't it? Sucks you in, keeps you there, makes you forgive and forget ... that with or without the nice interludes, the bad stunts were dealbreakers to begin with. I'm not saying we shouldn't see fit to give people a chance, make room for their issues and idiosyncracies and, God forbid, their imperfections. But we should see fit to boot, pretty immediately, people who see fit to treat us like manure. Period. End of Dallas episode.

But you know, Deb, that doesn't mean the nice and sweet the nice and sweet stuff wasn't also sincere. I don't think he didn't love you or care about you or want you -- so don't go down that path, okay? He just, for whatever reason, is/was clearly unable to trot the trot.

So neither his love, at some level, nor the life you've built is, as you say, an illusion. It's as real as the roof of your barn. What you've got to do is believe that the same person who deserves all that deserves an honest, sturdy, hard-work-but-it-pays-off cowboy to match. Will you find one if you find, somehow, a way to brand this idea on your soul? I'd be willing to bet the ranch.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS. How do you cut up and wrap a haunch of venison without water?

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