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Dear Breakup Girl,

First off, this isn't really about me. Really it's about my mother. I should start by saying that my mother is my best friend. I'm not sure how it happened but long about the time I turned 20 the demons stopped posessing me and I realized that I could actually get along with her *gasp* and we could actually be really close. I'm 24 now and proud to say that she and I have never been closer and I'm often privy to her relationship woes as she is to mine. This is about to become a real challenge since she and her significant other have finally decided to call things off and the S.O. will be moving out shortly. Mom and I have been talking about this all along and I've been a silent supporter of the S.O. leaving since I've always thought Mom deserved better (I said that once though, and then dropped it, no one likes to be told that the person they're in love with is a weenie). Given our history and given our closeness I expect to be receiving more than a couple of teary post breakup calls and I'm hoping you can help me be prepared.

See, this has some interesting twists. I'm fully qualified (well, sorta) to give advice to a 24 year-old co-dependent with intimacy issues, low self-esteem, and great hair. Because I am one. And most of the time I'm ok trying to help Mom out because we've had remarkably similar problems in our relationships (thereby proving that the day you realize you're becoming your mother isn't nearly as scary as the day you realize it's not such a bad thing). And I know that 90% of being a good friend to someone in a bad relationship is just listening. But I'm not sure how to help her through the post-breakup since the last time this happened she had already moved on to another person and we weren't nearly as close.

Also, she often feels that I don't know quite where she's coming from and can't quite identify with her situation. Besides being older (I should hope so, she's my mother) she's also gay. Both of those things lend themselves to difficult bounce-back potential. I want to give her the support she needs and the assurance that things will get better but she often feels that because she's a 53 year-old lesbian in a fairly rural area that she stands a good chance of growing old alone.

And it'll be doubly tough since she and her soon to be ex want to try to remain friends (the fact that they're really nothing more than friends now is part of what precipitated the breakup) and they're part of a very close circle of friends in this rural area and so will see each other often. So finding new friends who understand her position will be difficult to say the least and will remove a vital support structure from her.

Any advice on how I can be as supportive as possible and reassure her that there's life after breakup without making it seem like I'm young and don't understand how lonely and hopeless she feels? I want her to feel like there's going to be a future for her but how do I reassure her of that from my position. I know it sounds like I'm babbling and I'm pretty sure she'll make it through, she's a phenomenal woman, I just wanna help make it as quick and painless as I can and could use all the help I can get. After all, if she doesn't leave the house out of sheer depression, how can she possibly bring me cookies?! (Kidding!)

--Turtle

Dear Turtle,

What a lovely letter. Your mother should be proud. In fact, maybe you should show it to her.

Because beyond that, I'm not sure you can do much more than what you've already done or intend to do. You've got it all right about the listening/saying things once, etc.; doesn't sound like there's some big harmful pattern going on here that you need to even think about trying to point out to her or help her break. Besides, she's your mother. It's precious and rare that you are best friends, that you confide in each other. But it would be weird -- even given the circumstances/demographics that might limit other options -- for her to depend on you to pull her through. She's your mother. And it's actually not fair for her to kvetch that you can't identify. Of course, past a certain point, you can't. Also, you're her daughter. Not your job.

Further: you can acknowledge that she feels lonely and hopeless and reassure her that there's life after breakup. Just not in the same breath. Or even on the same day, actually.

When the time for practical suggestions comes, well, let's just say that I bet you there are more lesbians around there than anyone thinks. (Hopeful for her; sad for ... lesbians.) As far as finding community in general, how about making some cyber-inroads here?

Other than that, kiddo, just stand by your mom.

Oh, and about the cookies, maybe send a SASE. Better yet, send her some.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS You -- and yours -- might also enjoy this book.

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