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Dear Breakup Girl,

So Judy and I went out for six months. Judy has this friend, Melissa, whom I've become friends with over that time. Melissa and Judy are both first year law school types, both interested in public interest, and have many of the same friends. In fact, they're both going to be on the law journal. Anyway, during the time that Judy and I were going out, she mentioned to me several times that she found Melissa quite threatening to our relationship and to her self-esteem in general, even though Melissa has been a perfect friend and, if anything, has been one of the more supportive people in Judy's life recently. Still, Melissa is blond and thinner than Judy and did better on her exams, all of which are commonly known to incite jealousy/competitiveness. Also, Melissa represents a certain type of woman that Judy hates because girls like that really made Judy miserable in high school.

Anyway, so I break up with Judy in mid-February. On the night of the breakup, out of the blue, Judy tells me, "If you ever go out with Melissa, I'll f-ing kill you.'" I'm a little shocked, but kind of blow it off with a joke. She rebuts by stating that while homicide may not result, she would certainly "make my life hell."

You can see where this is going. In the last month or two, Melissa and I have become closer friends, and well, have expressed interest in more. It's been 6 weeks since the breakup, so I'm feeling like I'm pretty much avoiding the rebound thing (is there an outer limit to rebounds in terms of post-break time?) In the meantime, Judy is still smoldering about the breakup and keeps wondering why I did it, etc. I've told her several times, but given that the answer is "I just didn't see a future in it," she hasn't exactly been satisfied. Her response is, "but we're attracted to each other and we get along so well, what else could you want?" Anyway, we keep repeating that conversation on and off, but I've been drawing the line more so lately. Still, she wants to be friends.

So, what do I do? If I start dating Melissa, Judy hates us both and it becomes a big law school soap opera. We could chill out for the rest of the semester, of course, and see how we feel in the fall, but it's hard to ignore the obvious sexual tension and interest. And even then, I doubt Judy will forgive either of us. I guess my real question, though, is:

Would it ever be "okay" to date Melissa? Would any amount of time seem a reasonable time to wait? Or if I decide to go ahead and date her, should I just take my lumps with Judy and deal?

-- Just Some Crazy Law Guy

Dear Just Some Crazy Law Guy,

Welcome back! [Still more from JSCLSG in the ShoutOuts below.]

Yeah, I'm thinking what TV needs is -- never mind models, nurses, lifeguards, and the like -- a law school soap opera. Where the students have all sorts of sexual imbroglios and intellectual debates. Where the students even use words like "rebut" in breakup conversations. Law and Opera. "12 strangers ... picked to sit on a jury...." Somebody call Spelling/Kelley/MTV.

Anyway. My admonition to the people is to remember Breakup Girl's key distinction: legal vs. tacky. Applied to your case, it is frankly, entirely legal to date Melissa -- this semester, even...though I'd hold out a little longer -- as long as you go out of your way not to be tacky. Because yes, she will hate you both. She will be One Angry Woman. And I don't mean to be heartless -- it's just that you and Melissa represent the harsh reality of how people meet people, especially in a small setting, and while you must respect her highschooly issues with Melissa, and be responsible for the fact that you are about to exacerbate them, it is not your job to handle or change your life for them.

So: you do have to have a horrible scene where you tell Judy. Where you assure her that you never prebounded, even emotionally, with Melissa (even if you're lying). She will go ballistic. Do your best. To listen and reassure without trying to talk her out of her feelings. After which: yes, you do have to circumscribe certain elements of your behavior (especially PDA) with Melissa. No singing teddy-grams delivered to the Law Review. No smooching in the quad. And while we're at it, no de-facto-patronizing "let's have coffee" coffees with Judy.

Your job: uphold the letter of the law -- manners, civility, reality. Try to leave the drama to Dawson's Court. It's the best/least/most you can do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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