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Dear Breakup Girl,

Why do guys think lesbians and bisexuals are so fascinating? I'm bi and just wanted to know before I came out. Thanks!

-- Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Yes, many people love to look at (as opposed to hire, elect, live next door to, etc.) lesbians. (Or, rather, "lesbians.")

But I ran your question by a few smart nice cool straight guys who are down with all of the above, and they said things like:

• "It's just one of those things. I could act all new agey and sensitive and pretend that I don't find lesbians fascinating. And I do not actively seek out lesbian activities. But I won't lie to you. There were a few lesbians in my dorms. And when they were being affectionate in public....I would stop, smile, feel good and move on to class. I think that men's lesbian fantasies can be exaggerated, but then again I can speak only for myself. Most of my fantasies involve one naked woman and myself....but that's probably a whole different conversation."
• "I'm sure there's a more complex psychological profile than the "two breasts good; four breasts better" theory that I heard expounded somewhere not too long ago. My answer is predicated upon an assumption that I find true, but may not be true. I think guys tend to create fantasy relationships with lots of women they know, not exclusively sexual, though that happens. These are essentially harmless, affectionate yearnings toward the women they know and care about. And I think that when a guy projects himself into this relationship with a woman he knows (be it romantic, physical, or otherwise... writer/editor?), he does it in part to create a fantasy of being desired. [Being desired (in a good way) is a big thing for humans, and I'll go out on a limb and say everyone enjoys it, pretty much, except for maybe those cabins-in-the-woods types.] So: when a guy conjures a fantasy about two women who are sexually engaged, the stakes get raised on at least a couple levels. True, there are more erogenous zones, more body, more places to touch and people to touch you; that's a big, basic part of it. But it's rare enough for some guys to imagine that a single woman would find them attractive, much less two, much less two at the same time, much less two at the same time who would actually get jiggy with it. So in addition to the embarrassment of (physical) riches in thebeing-with-two-women fantasy, the fantasy includes this incredible desirability in the mind of the fantasizer. It's unrealistic, for most men; heck, how many people -- men or women -- ever get more than a few fringe fantasies fulfilled? But the fact that there ARE women in couples means that the fantasy is based in reality; a guy COULD be with two women who found him -- and each other -- attractive. To sum up, then: an imagined physical relationship with two women carries not only a predictable physical attraction, but an emotional fantasy of desirability. Between the two things, in a world where no one gets enough love and affection anyway, rational thought gets lost in the shuffle and guys start behaving weirdly and saying stupid things."
• Coda [same guy]: "To some people, the idea of a physical relationship is as much or more about giving than it is receiving. For them, the idea of sharing something incredibly exciting and intimate is enhanced by the idea of sharing it with more than one person. For a straight guy, this could express itself in two-women fantasies or fantasies about being physically, um, generous to many women. (Of course, this also goes back to the wanting-to-be-desired theory.) I don't know if that's a broadly held sensibility or not. You'd like to think so."
• Sub-coda: "I suspect this correlates to someone's personal predilictions and gay/bi men and women who feel this would feel it for whatever gender they're attracted to. The straight world doesn't offer a wide variety of ... well, variety. The two-women fantasy is the first, easiest, most arousing fantasy that a straight guy will encounter; plus it's "approved" by the weird social laws that govern sexual feelings in this culture.]"
• [New guy:] "Well, I'm assuming she means hetero guys. Bi guys and gay guys probably have various reactions, some positive, some negative based on politics of alliance, denial, self-hatred, fascination with camp, etc. Anyway, from what I can gather, hetero guys are fascinated with girl-on-girl action for two reasons (1) it's beyond their experience and thus something they don't quite understand/can't experience themselves (taboo) and (2) the idea of a threesome with two women puts the guy in the least-responsible and most-enjoyable position. What I mean is, (a) the women are pleasing each other, so he doesn't have to do anything; (b) he gets to watch, which we assume he likes to do, and (c) he can jump in any time and get off without having to give back. In other words, it's a fantasy world of self-focused sexuality for voyeurs. It's like watching Monday Night Football. You feel the rush of victory when your team wins, even though you really can't play football and all you did was sit back and drink beer."
• [Same guy] [how CUTE are my friends?!]: "Bi-women scenarios (as opposed to bi women scenarios) may also be erotic because hetero men are taught to think they are, via pornography, etc. Just like other "exotic" yet unlikely sexual scenarios ("You mean having sex on the office copier isn't quite as exciting as Penthouse Forum makes it sound?"), the idea of two women together is infused into the adolescent male psyche pretty early on as this big sexual thing, mostly based on fantasy accounts instead of reality. I wonder if most men who actually experience such scenarios find it that exciting, or if they're just too embarrassed to admit they didn't."

Wow! Is that, like, way more information than you expected? Well, just take it as evidence -- in case you were worried -- that there ARE guys out there who, even if "fascinated" by you, will also do right by you. In fact, they all told me to wish you well on your outage. Write me back if other stuff comes up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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