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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

You've read my stuff before, since you've already published two of my letters, and I'm not going to say which ones, or who I am. Right now my only purpose is to write this and send it off into oblivion.

In a nutshell, females suck (for lack of a better word). For starters I'd say that I'm a nice guy. (Although every guy thinks of himself as a "nice guy" I know this.) What I want is simple. I want to meet a nice girl who is compatible with me and willing to spend the rest of her life with me. However, this being the 90's... we see the birth of the "let's all be as weird as possible" generation.

Not only have we all been witness to the drastic new lifestyles popping into existence everywhere, also one might notice that morality and basic virtues have not exactly declined per se, but have rather twisted and morphed into this new breed of -- something. I don't even know how to describe it.

Now, knowing this, back to the situation at hand. I need to find a normal, nice girl who is looking for a life companion, kids, the white picket fence...blah blah... Should be pretty easy right? BZZZZZZT NO. What's my problem? I'm not ugly... in fact I've been told on numerous occasions, very enthusiastically, that I am "hot" (which I assume nobody would tell someone who's unattractive just to be nice) My point with that is that ugliness plays no part in my unluckiness with love.

Everyone I've dated in the past hasn't been all that great. A few years back however, I met a girl whom I had somehow inexplicably fell in love with. We weren't too compatible. We both shared very different views on things, and many times this brought about conflict, but all in all were a pretty loving and happy couple. Day to day I would get to know more about her, and although she didn't want all of the same things in life that I wanted, I could tell that she was a trustworthy, down-to-earth, and good-spirited person... someone who knows of the typical relationship cliches and like myself, thinks that they are ridiculous. I thought that we were beyond things like "She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend," or "let's have some time apart to see other people"... you know all that meaningless smarm that so many people fall victim to.

I thought that I knew her pretty well, and I felt very secure that she wouldn't freak out one day and "Jerry Springer me" (as we like to call it around here in mundane suburbia) BOY WAS I WRONG. Anyways, I'll skip the details and just say that even when you think you've found one of the good ones, they turn around one day with flames shooting out of their eyes and take you for a downward spiral of self-loathing. It doesn't matter how long you've been with someone. You could be happily married for 50 years and one day they would just jam a stake right into your spine and twist it in there nice and tight while maintaining a cold stare and a calm composure, then like a bank teller blankly they tell you to have a nice life and walk away forever. Do I sound bitter? Good.

Okay, so what did I learn from this girl? I learned that no matter what degree of normalcy you think someone may possess, odds are that you are probably 100% wrong.

So I go back out into the dating world. I'm a free man once again. I should enjoy being single, but I don't. I crave companionship. I crave Thursday nights lying on the couch watching a stupid made-for-TV movie and softly brushing a wonderful girl's hair while she lies her head upon my lap as a pillow. Euuwww, did I just write that? Okay reality flash. Sorry.

So I look, and I look. All the nice girls have boyfriends already. The only girls left are the decidedly freakish girls, or the unattractive (to me) girls. (Hey, listen, I can't date a girl I don't find attractive, I'm only human, so to all of you that are whining right now, stop it!)

Ahh, screw it. I had a point here, but my mind is going a mile a minute so I keep tangenting.

Okay, to make a long story short BG, girls suck, and I'll never find one that suits me because I'm way too picky and bitter and shy, and I might as well just go remove my testicles and buy a dog... that way I can have unconditional love, and at the same time, I won't have any of those annoying hormones coursing through my veins and corrupting my life like it has ever since puberty.

So there! =)

-- Me

Dear Me,

Bravisimo! Oh, you'll find someone.

See, most people who feel the way you feel -- which, frankly, at any given time, is ALL OF US -- won't go so far as to say so. They think "Oh, I shouldn't feel this way." They pretend they don't feel this way. And they certainly won't admit it to anyone else, not even to a superhero who doesn't know who they are, and wouldn't tell, even if she did.

And what happens when they -- unlike you -- in the words of Melissa Manchester, "keep it inside?" Well, then, then they don't get anyone to remind them that:

1. "Nice" and "moral" are unrelated.

2. Being broken up with always feels heinous. But it is not the same as being broken up with (or treated) heinously. This distinction can lift much bitterness out of the hurt.

3. Statistically (and ideally), if you think about it, all relationships end but one. This "pattern" doesn't mean you're failing; it means you're living.

4. When it comes to dating, "sucking" is a transitive, rather than inherently gender-based property. e.g.

a. I date girls.

b. Oh wait, I don't. That sucks. Therefore,

c. girls suck.

5. Believing that [insert gender here] suck does not make you attractive to [same]. (Unless self-hating [same] are drawn to you, which does make you attractive to Jerry Springer.)

Which brings me to the most important point of all.

People who pretend they don't feel the way you do also don't get the chance to purge their icky emotions the way you have. See, since you were smart enough to do that in this safe and private forum, you won't give off that "girls suck" vibe when you're actually out there meeting and greeting. Which is why you won't be needing that surgery.

And which, of course, was the reason you wrote.

RIGHT?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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