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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been dating a girl on and off for over two years now and at one point I thought she was the woman of my life. I will soon move to Florida (currently live in Colorado) and she was planning to stay for a semester finishing his teaching degree and then come to live with me while I finish my business masters degree. She moved in with me about one month ago because one of our roommates was leaving and I wanted her to be closer to me. However, it was kind of a forced and sudden decision because of the economic pressure generated from my roommate leaving. I really feel strongly for her and she is the most caring, loving, understanding and sweet human being I've met. We hardly ever fight and overall we've had a good relationship with the natural ups and downs. However, I sometimes feel that she is too different from me and creates "empty" spots in the relationship.

Well, I met somebody at a conference in another state over one month ago and even though I spent only one day with her (we only had lunch together) I couldn't stop thinking about her. I've been talking to her over the phone and e-mailing her for this past month and I think that we are very much alike. You are going to think I'm terrible, but I decided to go see her this past weekend. I flew there leaving everything behind to spend the weekend with this other girl. I had a great time and after getting to know her a little better I've found that she is much more similar to me in many ways and understands my culture more (I'm originally from South America).

Of course neither of the two girls knew of each other's existence. However, when I got back from the trip my girlfriend found a receipt with a 2 people mini golf game charge that I had paid during the weekend. Well, I ended up telling her everything and she is totally devastated. I know she loves me so very much that she could easily forgive this affair because she is the most noble person there is. She is asking me for a concrete commitment if we are going to stay together. I don't know what to do because I still think about this other girl and I have so many doubts in my mind and until every single doubt is cleared I don't think I would be completely honest with her about a commitment. Another thing I must tell you is that I recently told the other girl about the existence of my girlfriend and she also wants me to make a decision between them. I know this is not fair for any of them and somebody will get hurt.

So, like I told you before I don't know what to do. On one hand I love my girlfriend, but I sometimes feel that I could find somebody that is more similar to me and I'm not sure if I would be as happy as I can be with her and at the end it will become a routine relationship. However, it tears my heart apart to see her suffer so much and cry everyday because she knows I'm confused and I can't tell her what she wants right now. On the other hand, although I've found that this other girl is more similar to me (she has some of my same interests, likes my music, sports, etc.) I just barely know her and she does live in another state, at least for the time being. She seems that she is very interested in developing a relationship with me even after the fact that I told her I have a girlfriend. I would greatly appreciate if you could shed some light for me.

-- Troubled Guy

Dear TG,

Let me tell you a little something about receipt-finding. Either the finder is snooping, or the spender/hider isn't trying too hard. Neither bodes well. Look, Troubled, when you really truly totally want to keep a secret, you make incredibly, meticulously sure to Fawn Hall the evidence. Duh. Otherwise, you're just Gary Harting it. You might as well leave it on your lap. Seems to me someone did want to force the play in some way.

That said, listen to what I always tell people in similar predicaments: you are not choosing between these two gals. You might wind up with Girl 2, you might not. Beside the point. Your Donna, see, is Data. Now that you have forced the play, what have you learned? Do you now see new divots? And if so, did it open them up in a new way, such that you now have the will -- a way, even -- to fill them? Or do they now seem too numerous/bottomless to fix? You tell me.

Oh, and remember that hating to see your girlfriend suffer is an excellent reason to feel bad, but not (on its own) an excellent reason to stay together. So if you do decide that you must, gently, go, do so. For real. I've already made enough oblique references in this letter to ill-advised, mind-gamy invitations to Florida.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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