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SHOUTOUTASIGHT!

To Stuck Somewhere in the Middle from StageWalker:

I have to go with BG on this one. In theory, having a Friend with Benefits is great... but my own experience is one of imbalance. Like you, I began sleeping with my best friend after her breakup. Like you, my deep love for her as a friend took a serious move into deep LOVE for her in the most romantic, heart on my sleeve kind of way. I am a very romantic person, and when I give my heart to someone, I give it completely. I wish I didn't... it only gets me into painful situations, as you can guess... this was. Fact was, she was still way too shell-shocked from her breakup to give her heart to me, although she loved me very much as a friend... and found our physical relationship too satisfying to give up. Eventually, the discrepancy between our feelings for each other became too much to bear and we finally broke up. It's odd, really... how you can be sleeping with someone, experiencing soul shuddering moments of intimacy... and yet feel constantly rejected by that same someone.

We work together, and so the dissolution of our physical relationship could not be followed by a period of not seeing each other, and although I do still notice the occassional puddle of heartblood pooling at my feet... we've made it work by being mutually sensitive to each other's pain. (And yes, this hurt both of us very deeply.)

I guess what I want to say is that you're not alone... and that falling for the good friend you're sleeping with isn't necessarily a "woman thing"... and that it is possible, although excrutiatingly difficult, to maintain a friendship with that person afterwards. But it will never be the same. It will never be what you had before. The experience will change you both and the ways you interact in a basic, fundamental way. I also want to say: talk to him about your feelings. You say that you haven't been talking about your inner lives since you started sleeping together... if you don't talk about them... when you do stop sleeping together... there won't be much left to rebuild on. Besides, you may be surprised at his response... he may be more in tune with you than you think. (I hope, for you, that he is...) and if worst comes to worst... write poetry. I actually did some of my best work as a result of my situation. *sad little smile*

To Catwoman from Optimist, Fellow Feline

I hear you! 24, raised/lapsed Episcopalian (close enough to Catholic for these purposes: "Good little girls don't DO things like that!") Well, this one did, last November, after a break-up. Ex was my second, not my first, but close enough. And I ended up sleeping over with TWO different 21-yr-olds in THREE nights! We didn't actually do the deed, but we weren't being all that innocent, either. I even "saw" (euphemism alert!) one of them a couple more times, but it didn't work out. Sure, it freaked me out plenty ("What have I BECOME??"), but I realized it was just a phase I had to go through. Why hadn't I done this after previous break-ups? Who knows? Maybe it was because my need for freedom was compounded by a move to a new city, etc. I decided that I was having fun, wasn't feeling all TOO bad, and could let myself fall from grace a bit. (Not that I told Mom.) I hooked up with one of them one more time at a party in January, but haven't done anything like that since. And I have some fun memories to cherish. So where's the harm? So, Catty dahlin', have fun where you can get it. And don't overanalyze TOO much -- save that for the next REAL potential bf you meet.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MERCEDES B.

(1) Brava on having the strength and sense of self to leave this person, and (2) if you like, please call 800-799-SAFE if you need help on soldiering through the aftermath (which can be the hardest part). Be strong, yes -- which includes asking for help if you need it.

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