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Dear Breakup Girl,

Sam and I have been in a "relationship" for about 4 months, and I'm getting to the point where I need some advice about how to proceed.

We were good friends before we started the physical part of our relationship: we spent our weekends together in larger groups of people, emailed each other 20 times a day, and quickly became really close friends. After a month or so of the intense platonic relationship, I realized that we were constantly flirting with each other and I had developed a major crush on Sam. One Friday night, after we went out alone, he kissed me. I was elated. Two days later, after he flakes on plans we had for the next night because he had to "work" (later an admitted exaggeration), I get a nervous phone call full of bad excuses telling me that he "really values my friendship" and "can't be in a relationship right now" and further that he "always ends up hurting girls that he dates" and he "doesn't want to screw up what we have." I was a little hurt, but quickly recovered, saying that I wasn't interested in a relationship right now either (true--I had just broken up with a long term boyfriend and was enjoying the single life). So we talked for a long time, and decided to remain just friends.

Which was fine with me! I like just being with this guy so much on a friend level that I would have been fine with it. Except. We kissed again one week later (after one too many beers). We laughed about it the next day, and after it happened yet again later that week, we decided to work out a special relationship: friends that sleep together. We would just be friends, date other people, but we would also have this intimate part of our relationship. This situation would fulfill several needs: we would remain close friends, which was something that we both valued tremendously, and we would fulfill that nagging physical need that all humans share with someone that we liked and really enjoyed in an intimate sense (am I sounding like Monica or what?).

Fast forward four months to today. Sam and I are in the exact same situation. We see each other every weekend, he calls me several times a week (he is one of those guys that you can't let get too comfortable, hence I wait for him to call me, usually), we email several times a week. At the end of the night, the two of us go home together. We spend at least half of every weekend alone together. We don't really talk about our feelings, except sometimes when we're in bed, and it's only little bits and pieces. We haven't had a real heart-to-heart for about 2 months, at which time we talked about how great both sides (friendship and sexual) of our relationship was, and how much we didn't have time in our lives/weren't mentally ready for any kind of commitment.

Our physical relationship has become better and better. At the beginning, I thought it was so excellent and there was no way to improve. I was wrong. It's not just sex anymore, it's this intimate bond that is growing between us. We talk about how great the sex is getting, and how it just blows our mind away every time.

So, here is my predicament: As time has worn on, I have taken the traditional female role of falling for this guy. It was easy at the beginning to say that sex didn't really mean anything, that we were just using each other and enjoying our friendship. But recently, it's become a lot more complicated, and I have spent several late, drunken nights pining away for this guy. I have tried dating all sorts of other people: I have had a few random hook ups (I've told him about one of those-he got really jealous but wouldn't admit it-you know, when they turn really quiet and pretend like it's no big deal but it's so obvious that it is??), I got back together with an ex-boyfriend very briefly (I thought I was missing affection), I even have been trying the personal ads: all in hope that I can find someone to replace this messed up situation that is becoming more and more emotional for me. Nothing is satisfying me. I want only Sam-I think about him constantly.

Maybe some more background information you need to know: he has a very stressful, demanding job that requires him to work 12 hour days, in addition to going in on weekends. He is an extreme extrovert and loves to go out and socialize with lots of people (we're similar that way). He doesn't ever go out on week nights, so I only see him on weekends. We talk during the week, but nothing else. I'm 24, he's 29. He wants to move out of this town: he doesn't enjoy being with his friends anymore (except for me), he hates his job, and wants to move back to the town where a lot of his friends from college are living, and where there's better opportunities for his career.

I am really falling hard for this guy, and I don't want to because I'm scared that he still feels like he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship (because of all that other bad stuff going on in his life), and me confessing my feelings for him would scare him off. The truth is that I want him to be my boyfriend. I want to be able to kiss him in public, hold his hand, call him when I feel like it, and be able to tell him what I'm really feeling. I don't want to get married/move in together/any of that sort of real long-term thing--I am at least 5 years away from being ready for that. I guess I just want him to be optimistic about us being able to be together.

What do I do, BG? Have the "big talk"? Or wait and see if he does it first? And if it is I that has to initiate the conversation (which I'm sure you'll say that it is), how do I do it in a way that is non-threatening and doesn't back him into the oh-my-god-this-girl-wants-to-marry-me corner?

-- Stuck Somewhere in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

"Casual," dear readers, is not a relationship; it's a dress code. I'm not saying the "friends who sleep together" thing can never work out; but when it doesn't, it's often because of resulting/heretofore denied imbalances like yours, Stuck. I'm just saying.

Now, you'll know from reading my response to Law Student, above, that I don't necessarily endorse emotional public service announcements. But in your case, I'd say -- since the limbo is driving you bonkers -- it's time to force the play. Yikes! I know. But you already know what to say (hint: last three sentences of the penultimate paragraph). I can't predict what he will say, but I can predict that it will jar you two out of this untenable (for you) holding (on weekends anyway) pattern.

Unless you do what Breakup Girl will now forbid: making your speech, having him say he'll think about it, and then having nothing change when you lie there stiffly next Friday, and the next, and the next, panicked that if you bring it up again, he'll really feel pushed into the oh-my-God-this-girl-wants-to-marry-me corner. He might say, "I can't do it the way you want." But you might need to muster the strength to do that, too.

By the way, yes, you do sound like Monica in the sense that you're pining for a distant guy with a demanding job. But -- speaking of dress codes -- at least you didn't call a thong "a dance."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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