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Dear Breakup Girl,

I left my boyfriend of two years four months ago. I then met this guy, Paul, who thought I was pretty cool. He and I flirted for a while, but I realised (and I hope/think he realised) that nothing was going to happen between us. I also met Paul's friend, Dave, at the time but didn't think anything of it, as I was flirting back to Paul.

Two weeks ago, Paul and Dave had a party. I had just made my first attempt at reconnecting with my ex, had been manipulatively rebuffed, and was feeling rather low and lonely. I had a blast at the party, meeting with and flirting outrageously with all the lovely men there, but not in a rude way. I was happy just being with a new set of people -- specifically new people who seemed to enjoy me and my company.

Then, on my way home, Dave kissed me and I let things go too far, ending up with me leaving for the walk of shame the next morning.

Dave and I went out again this weekend, and the same thing happened again.

I'm not sure why I'm so conflicted about this, but I seriously am. Not only is Dave younger than me, a problem in my book, but I don't do things like this. Ever. I am an intensely independent and in-control person in my normal life. But now I feel swept away by it all, as if I'm in the midst of big uncertainty. Each time I left Dave's flat, I thought "This can't happen again." But by the same evening, I was thinking of the sweet things he'd done, etc. While at the same time I don't think I have any "serious" feelings for him -- and how could I? We've seen each other basically three days and two nights. It all seems so surreal to me.

So, where do I go from here? The liasons with Dave have both been completely honest on both parts (i.e., no promises of "love you forever," etc.) and I do believe that they've helped solidify my break with my ex to the point where he can't get to me as easily as before. But I feel horribly guilty at the same time. If Dave asks me out again, what do I do? Go with him? Try to stay out of bed? Not try to stay out of bed? Not go with him? Ignore him and lose this whole group of people? Tell him I can't handle this now? What I really wish I could do would be to go back in time and just not go with him the first time.

I'm 25, raised and lapsed Catholic, and have only allowed two man to be with me, my ex and Dave. Told you I'm used to being in control.

Any insight/advice/support you can give would be more than greatly appreciated! Help me to regain my sanity/control over myself!!!

-- Catwoman

Dear Catwoman,

Sanity? Control? If you were shagging in plain sight in public libraries with a boy with a Gingrich in 2000 bumper sticker who can't remember your name, then we'd have ourselves a story. But what you have had are a couple of honest, if sly, hookups with a nice boy who does "sweet things." If you rewound, BG wouldn't necesssarily recommend or endorse, but hey, it -- um, he -- seemed like the right thing to do at the time, right? You are not out of control; you are just doing things way differently from how you have before. Arguably, you've never broken up with the only person you've been intimate with before. Different things happen. But if you don't want them to happen again, fine. Just say so ("I can't handle this now," was a good start, and frankly you don't need much more). He, with all due respect, doesn't sound smitten. You can't go back in time, Catwoman (BG doesn't see any reason to, anyway) but you can -- now -- move forward.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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