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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm slightly baffled, or weirded out, or astonished. I was seeing this guy for a few weeks and all seemed to go in the right direction; a few dates, some good discussions, some good amount of teasing and flirting, ending with the legitimate kiss. He was 30, I'm 23, we're both in the same field of work/study; we both knew that we only had a few months before he'd leave this summer for work. Already, on the second date, he talks about me coming down to visit him next year (where he'll be, on a different coast), to which I answered with a careful silence, thinking it was too premature. He wasn't perfect, but he was okay for now, and I liked the fact that he had experience in dating (which I lack, a lot!) and seemed to understand me and where I came from. The last time I saw him was a month ago; I called him a few days after to plan our next date together and as he was going out of the house to study, he says "I'll call you back tomorrow."

No news since. Nada. Zilch. Rien. Niet. What am I supposed to think? Initially, I figured, something happened to him/some emergency came up. Then my innocence wears off and reality sinks in ('of course he's not dead!'). The question I have for you, BG, is why do men pull this off? If dating is a learning experience, what am I supposed to learn from this? Was I supposed to see this coming? In my previous relationships (and I've broken up without a choice=been dumped twice) at least there was a (rather big) warning. My friends say, oh, he got cold feet, oh, something must have happened; they're slightly baffled too. I'm a nice girl, maybe overeducated, maybe very busy with work, with a fair amount of ambition and character (and it can be intimidating to men, I'm told) , I haven't dated all that much for lack of time and interest (and yes, burnt once shy twice) and I'm not afraid any more to ask out the guys I'm interested in. It's just that the more I try, the more it seems to fail; few guys refuse me after I choose them -- but no guys seem to want to last with me. So far, I have no shame saying that single life is what has made me happiest. Like a friend once said, "Love, shmove, it's overrated." I just wish life didn't make us so cynical. I wish I could believe in men again. God knows when I'll be again interested in testing the waters again.

I left a message this week on his machine saying "I'm a little weirded out, I haven't heard from you in THREE weeks." Of course, nothing. Should I really check up on him at work? I feel much more like moving on, really, forgetting it all -- but curiosity and hurt pride are killing me. I was mad, I was sad, now I'm numb, but I still want to know. Part of me still thinks that he'll call back with a good excuse (and that still warms up my heart). But my cold scientific head tells me to move on, and fast (and that makes my heart cold, but my head happy).

I wonder if you've heard that, of people completely letting you down without any prior warning. How do people interpret that?

-- Cerebral Emma

Dear Emma,

First of all, I'm not convinced this is a guy thing. You're straight, so that's whom you date. We wear different shoes, but we all get cold feet.

As for this guy, can't say for sure exactly what happened (he'd have to return my call for that), but I can hazard a general guess. Many people are actually pretty good at the start-up stuff: the calls, the dates, the flowers. But that -- not that it's insincere -- is part of the script. When people go "off book" -- as in, reality check, wow, we might have to start intertwining the more quotidien realities of our lives at tsome point -- they get stage fright. Symptoms: butterflies in stomach, nervous trembling (thus unable to pick up phone, even with evolutionary benefit of opposable thumbs). But no, don't call him at work. He had his chance. And your curiosity and pride will have another.

Speaking of which, brava on not being afraid to ask boys out. BUT. I want you to adjust for margin of error on your so-called "failure rate." Generally, boys like it when girls ask them out, yes? Takes the pressure off, flattering, yadda yadda yadda. But "relieved" and "flattered" do not mean Interested. A "yes" is not -- necessarily -- a "YES." Ask away, Emma, but keep this in mind.

Otherwise, I don't see anything here to make you "cold," to make you "not believe." Annoying, yes. But empirically speaking, this is: dating. Keep experimenting.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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