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Dear Breakup Girl,

A friend put me on to your site when she got sick of seeing me come into work every day with puffy mole eyes from crying myself to sleep every night. To be blunt, I got dumped, I guess. That's the hard part, everything was going just peachy-keen when he did a disappearing act. His last words to me were endearments and affirmations of how much I meant to him and how important it was for me to be in his life. Oh, neither of us are 'spring chickens' (I'm in my mid 30's, he's in his 40's). This was no whirlwind- overwhelmed-by-lust kind of thing. I never pressured him for any commitments or talked about 'relationships', if anything, he was the one that pushed for all the 'emotional aspects'. I am reasonably attractive, smart, have a lot of good friends, hopefully I'm kind and considerate, have a decent job, try not to play 'games' or use manipulative tactics, etc., etc., etc....So why the disappearing act? I've made sure he is not dead, in a coma, in a witness relocation program, been carried off and devoured by wild dingos, suffering from amnesia or has recently been kidnapped by aliens. So why can't he at least tell me it's over, instead of just disappearing? I would like to know the reasons, but at least to have him say "so long toots" would be better than this silence. What's worse is this guy is not a creep or a "bad" guy. I think what he is doing is unkind, and (hopefully unintentionally) cruel, but this is a guy who normally does not act like a jerk. So what gives? He won't return my calls, take my calls, respond to email or letters, short of being reduced to a stalker and trying to track him down and confront him face to face, I don't know what to do. Am I way out of line to want to know 'why'? Don't I at least deserve to hear 'it's over' instead of being avoided? His silence is deafening. And it hurts. A lot.

-- Lily

Dear Lily,

The dingo ate my boyfriend! Oh, my.

Yep, the only thing worse than "I got dumped" is "I got dumped, I guess."

I am so so so sorry that you are so hurt. But what can I tell you? Look, seriously, I once had a guy (platonic) not tell me he was cancelling for dinner (he and his roommate were the only guests) because he was afraid I'd be mad. Go figure. People suck at breaking up, operating the phone, making plans -- never mind cancelling them -- etc. They hate it, they are bad at it, and somehow, they'd rather disappear and live in limbo torment as each day passes saying, "Well, I can't call now." One can only hope that your dude has travelled to Oz. In search of courage.

So yes, of course you deserve a goodbye, you do deserve to hear why. You're not out of line. But you may be out of luck. Cry in the dark a little longer, Lily. And then you get to say "so long, toots" to him. At least you'll have the last word.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Check out the next letter.

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