< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met a guy who lives about 2 hours from me. He's really nice, and everything I could really ever ask for in a boyfriend. He's nice, smart, funny, attentive. The problem? I'm not really physically attracted to him. Whenever I meet someone, I'm never really attracted to them at first, I need to get to know them first before that happens. This guy is attracted to me, and thinks of me as his GF, whereas I stress that we should take things slowly and be friends first, because I know I need the time. I also need the space. Like I said, we live about 2 hours away from each other, but I get daily email from him, phone calls two or three times a week, and we've seen each other about every two weeks or so. I've never had a really serious relationship before (I'm 24), and am set in my ways, and I'm feeling somewhat smothered by his constant attention.

I'm really confused. First, I'm worried I'll never become attracted to him. I haven't kissed him yet, using the "taking things slowly" statement to get out of it. I don't think he's at all ugly, but I just don't feel that "pull" to him. I'm hoping that will come, in time, but I feel bad because I don't feel the same as he does. Second, is he really smothering me, or am I making too much out of it? And isn't it possible that if I was attracted to him I would like all the attention, and wouldn't feel smothered? Is it because I've never had a serious relationship, and I'm just not used to all the attention? He really is a great guy, any girl would be thrilled to have a boyfriend like him. Any girl but me, apparently.

Am I really warped?? Or am I just naive?? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I do want to keep him as a friend, but I'm afraid if I don't fall in love with him, and soon, I never will and he'll be hurt. This has been eating me up inside for about two weeks now. I wish with all my might I felt as strongly as he did, but I just don't. And I feel incredibly shallow for not being attracted to him, which only makes me feel worse. Is it hopeless? Should I "break up" with him? Or should I stick it out? Should I kiss him, and hope that kicks the attraction in? Or should I wait until I really feel the urge? I don't want to encourage him needlessly. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Sigh.

-- Deanne

Dear Deanne,

Guess what, punkin, this is way simpler than you think. My impression: you like him, but you don't LIKElike him. You just don't. Il n'y a pas de je ne sais quoi. Lots of people know lots of of nice, smart, funny people/superheroes whom, for whatever chemical reason, they don't LIKElike. Go figure.

What you have here, in fact, is Everest Boyfriend. But you do not need to keep him just because he is There. There are many other peaks in the Himalayas, including some fewer than two hours away. Trust me. Or, more importantly, trust yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >