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SHOUTOUTS!
Remember, here and below, that printing of a shoutout does not automatically mean that BG specifically agrees/endorses; just that she thinks it's a good read.

To A Little (But Not Quite So Badly) Damaged from Jake:

Hoo-boy, have I been there. My fiancee' was also in a horribly physically and mentally and sexually destructive relationship, and we have had to work out methods of dealing with the aftermath.

1) First off, you may have to spend some time reassuring your boyfriend that you know he would never hurt you. It will eventually sink in to him. The important thing is that you have a boyfriend who cares if he hurts you, and to whom -- not hurting or scaring you -- is important.

2) Second, everyone has "ghosts" from hurts from previous relationships -- yours are just deeper than the average. I got upset the other day when my fiancee' happened to use the exact wording, in a totally innocent context (making lunch), that a woman had used to really hurt me. I know my fiancee' didn't mean to hurt me, she just wanted something from the junk drawer -- but I got upset just\the same. Stupid ghost.

3) It is normal to freak out when a situation occurs that is similar to one in which you were hurt, physically or emotionally. It's as normal as learning that fire will burn you. So when suddenly this man is hovering over you, and the light is just right, you flash back to the last time a man was in just that position and looked just like that -- and that last time you got hurt. It is sometimes hard to unlear those responses but you can do it. It takes love and therapy and a caring partner. You have two out of three, and the therapy you can get.

4) Thinking of yourself as damaged goods is something else that's hard to get over, but you aren't. You're a normal person in normal aftermath of a horrible situation and you clearly have a lot of love to give, since in the midst of this you're still worrying about hurting your boyfriend's feelings. And a therapist won't think you're damaged goods either. Don't let embarra ment at having gotten caught upin a bad situation keep you from seeking help. A friend of mine was a domestic violence crisis line counselor and wound up in an abusive relationship. She was almost killed because she was ashamed to admit it could happen to her, too. She now calls domestic violence "A deadly untreated epidemic-- a 'love disease' that anyone can catch."

5) Consider a self-defense class in the Model Mugging mode. Being able to defend yourself will counter some of the fear that the flashbacks bring.

The point is, the ghosts of your bad relationship don't have to haunt you forever -- they lose a whole lot of power if you just call them on being ghosts, and put the blame where in belongs -- on the dead past. Good luck!

... and also from Eric:

I think Bell was right on, and Little is dealing with PTSD. Been there myself, and it can damn sure be spooky to feel things that are totally disconnected from your actual surroundings. I think the most important thing I learned about getting through it was that letting the feelings happen didn't kill me. I suppose that folks have to experience their emotions eventually, even if it does take years. Sorry if that sounds all "new age-y", but that's pretty much just how it is. The feelings (fear, rage, guilt, sadness, etc) are real, but they are just transient. Let 'em happen. And the people around you have a way of being amazingly tolerant and understanding if you just let 'em. Mostly, you just need to know...you'll be ok.

And for Auntie from Rachel:

It's common for those who have reproduced to diss the childfree. While there's no cure for people who think that having unprotected sex is a bigger accomplishment than a Ph.D. and a professorship, there are lots of support groups out there where all us childfree folks talk about being ignored by our families and talk about everything except diapers and the like.

BUT WEIGHT! STILL MORE!
Shout outs about BG's weight column -- and the shoutouts about it -- continue to arrive.


From Erika:

Getting your life together and getting happy are their own reward. Period. Here's my advice -- for everyone -- get your life together, get happy, and then open your eyes to *all* the people around you. I'm a big gal (size 18) myself, and for a long time (even though I hated that men might pass me over for a skinny chick) I looked past bigger men, excusing myself by reasoning that they "weren't my type." One day I whacked myself upside the head for being such a hypocrite, made a conscious decision to open my eyes wider, et voila! -- instant increase in potential dates. As cliche as it is to say, it really is a person's personality, confidence, and strong sense of self that are going to determine whether they're a good partner -- and remember, our penchant for ripped abs and bony hips is nothing more than a fashion fad. In darn near any other time/place in human history, bigger was definetely better -- who's to say it isn't still? Madison Avenue? Come on -- you know better than that.

from Camille:

I have worked on an inpatient psychiatric unit for some time and cannot tell you how sad the parade of 11, 12, 13 (and up) year-olds is. And while each of these kids has his/her own reasons for what they are doing to themselves, to judge them on sight as not warm or empathetic, or as having a "gaunt" personality seems like exactly the same thing as judging a large person on sight as lazy or lacking self-control. Anorexia is a disease process, just as is overeating for some people. There is no excuse for judging a very thin person based solely on their appearance just as there is no excuse for judging a very large one based solely on theirs.

From Skinny Sam:

When I was in college I dated a woman who was around 5', perhaps 160lbs (just a guess, she never went near a scale). When we met I didn't like her or find her attactive. I got to know her better, and we grew close, and with that we grew attracted to each other. Oddly, she was never very self-conscious about her weight, she had never had any problems finding BFs, had been popular, etc. When she hit on me, she did so as one person to another. And by then, I found her beautiful, no matter what shape she was. The odd thing is that my preferences haven't changed that much. I still like slender, slightly muscular women. I'm not a "chubby chaser". But I do know that what I'm looking for comes in all sizes and shapes, and stop to flirt with any woman who smiles back at me with a twinkle in her eye, not out of generosity, but because I know it might be my loss if I don't.

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