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Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess my relationship problem is a bit unusual: it's not about a boy- or girlfriend, but about me and my sister: my twin sister, in fact. I'm not planning to "break up" with her, but I would nevertheless like to have some sensible advice concerning our relationship.

We're 36, she is married and with two kids, I am married (still, but not for much longer - a thing she doesn't know about, see below) with no kids. We live 2000 km apart in different countries, and I go and see them as often as I can, which is 3-4 times a year.

A twin sister is something really special, much closer than any ordinary sister or brother. We are very different as persons (not one-egg, never looking or acting like two-halves-of-one-person), but when we meet we still have this special contact: we know each other so well. BUT: the last years it has begun to bother me more and more that our relation is working entirely on her conditions. I guess this is something that happens to many people who are grown up and don't have kids of their own: when it comes to Your parents and Your sisters/brothers, i.e. Your family, You become a secondary person sort of, because everybody is so focused on the next generation. You may be a popular aunt or uncle, but You're not interesting in Your own right anymore.

I feel that my sister doesn't really care about me and my own life. She manages to tell me now and then that she never can remember what my academic subject is (I have a ph.d. in art history and a full time job as university teacher: and she was present at my disputation), something which hurts me immensely: I would like to tell her that to me it's the same thing as if I wouldn't be able to remember the name of her kids. This summer, when I visited them, I was rather upset because of my failing marriage: my husband and I have agreed to keep everything secret, not telling our families since we feel that we can sort things out better without them interfering and worrying, but all the same I couldn't help myself hinting several times to her that there are severe problems: to which she reacted by talking about other things, mostly herself. I felt it was quite obvious that she really didn't want to understand what I was trying to tell her, maybe to protect herself, but I felt so ignored and neglected. She is my twin, remember: we've been together for all of our lives, and even before that!

I sent Christmas presents and birthday presents to the kids, of course. But as usual, there is no reply whatsoever: not one single line (she does have e-mail) telling me that the parcel arrived safely even, not to mention a "thank you". I feel that I'm supposed to give and give (remembering birthdays, taking the effort and expense to go see them), but that she never makes any efforts in return to make me feel important. Of course I could just stop caring and not go there anymore: but I do love the kids, and they love me, and I don't want to allow her attitude to damage my relation with them.

I was thinking of writing her an e-mail telling her that she hurts me badly doing this to me -- but I wrote to You instead. What do You think: should I tell her, or should I just shut up and stop feeling bitter and sorry for myself, and accept that there's not room in her life for a sister that's more than the aunt of her kids?

-- Auntie

Dear Auntie,

I know that the twin thing is extra-complicated. Believe me, it's tough enough merely to look like twins, which is something Gwynnie and I are just going to have to work out with each other.

But anyway, yah, it's good that you wrote to me and not to her. Why? Because our own Belleruth says "I think you need to let it go for now and let up on your investment in your sister. She may have always been self-centered, or she may just be totally consumed with her kids. And yes, she 'should' be much more involved and forthcoming. But no matter what, confronting her isn't gonna change that, and it could make things very yukky with no resolution. I'd say you're not not gonna get what you want. And I think that the work that needs to happen is internal. Your half. Annoying as this sounds, all you can do is shift your expectations and stay connected to your twin from your end, being a fave Auntie to the kids, what have you, but without the expectation and provocation -- and resulting pain and disappointment. What you've got here is another way in which, it appears, you're not identical. And alas, insisting on what ain't no more is the road to hell. So, in this case, is trying to go home again."

Love,
BR and BG

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