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Dear Breakup Girl,

Oh, what a tangled web we weave. I have this friend, Dan. Dan is great. Dan and I email constantly, talk daily, and hang out together weekly. We have tons in common, share a rather twisted sense of humor, and just get on so well together.

The only kink in our friendship is that I have no romantic feelings towards Dan whatsoever and he is in love with me. He's never told me this, or even tried to make a moveon me physically, but lately his actions (and last week, his friends) have spoken volumes about his feelings towards me. I was sort of uncomfortable about it, but continued being friends with him because I genuinely love the guy and figure he'll get the message that he and I will never be a we.

Then there's his roommate, Jay. Through Dan I've gotten to know Jay fairly well, as me and my friends often meet up with Dan and his friends, I'm at their apartment a lot etc. For the past few months, I've been nursing a pretty big crush on Jay. I had sensed some interest on his part, but Dan's constant presence usually stopped the sparks from flying too far.

I made plans to meet Dan and Jay at a bar a few nights ago. At the last minte, Dan had to suddenly go out of town, but Jay still showed up. We had a great time out, and went back to his apartment (with 2 of my friends). We often end up there, so it didn't really faze me.

Except Jay was paying me a lot of attention. There was definite flirting going on. Then we all retired to separate quarters and called it a night (me and my friends in the living room, he in his bed). My friends crashed, but I couldn't sleep so I went in the kitchen to make some tea. He came in the kitchen and...

We slept together.

It was unexpected and great and we told each other we had both been wanting this to happen for a while.

But there's the Dan Factor.

Dan and Jay are not only roommates, they've been best friends for years.By morning (but after Round 2) Jay was getting a major case of the guilts and asked if we could keep our little tryst a secret.

He said he was was really sorry, but he couldn't hurt Dan like that, they are roommates and best friends, he really liked me, he had no regrets, but that this basically can't happen again.

So why did he do the deed in the first place if he knew it was "wrong" of him? I really don't think he's just a jerk (although that's probably what you'll say). He's the furthest thing from a "player" that I know. I like him. I have for a while. He likes me. I don't want to not see him anymore, but I don't know if I can pretend otherwise. And I'm secretly pissed at Dan because it's all his fault. I have to hide my feelings to make him happy, yet he's unhappy anyway because he's not with me. But I can't diss him because he doesn't know anything happened.

Is it too unrealistic of me to expect Dan to give his buddy the Green Light for the object of his unrequited love?

-- Kat

Dear Kat,

Why did he do the deed in the first place? Kat, if we all thought through the implications/consequences of our actions, we wouldn't all be scrambling to buy a certain shade of Club Monaco lipstick. No, I'm not going to say he's a jerk. I mean, I could say all sorts of wouldacouldashouldas, whambamthankyoumanms, even a few duhs, and I'd still chalk this one up to the messy that's-how-it-is Real Worldness of real life. You go with it, then you figure it out. I'm not saying that's good or bad; I'm just saying that this stuff just happens. I didn't know all you had to do was make tea to make it happen, but still.

Which is not to say that there's not some cleaning up to do. Of your feelings and of the situation. First of all, this is NOT "all Dan's fault." Come on. You were um, there, weren't you?

I know, I know, all you were doing was making tea. And I know you have a wicked crush on Jay. But still, no: "Whhooa, this feels great! But maybe a little ... messy? Maybe we shouldn't go ... quite so far so fast, just in case" -- ?

I know, you guys would probably have agreed on that. And then slept together anyway.

Point is, I'm not saying you shoulda, I'm just saying you coulda. Again: you were there, too.

And now where are you? Revving your motor, waiting for the light to change (who says BG isn't equally fluent with images of warm beverages/hot rods?). And about that green, well yes, it is unrealistic of you to expect Dan to give his buddy the green. But that's not because I actually think it's Dan's business/prerogative, because -- harsh but true -- it's not. It's mainly because Jay's not about to ask.

So I'm honestly sorry, but all you can really do, sweetie, is lay low for a while, until some of the weirdness fades. Try some Red Zinger.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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