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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been reading your advice ever since I broke up with my girlfriend of 9 years, two months ago. Our relationship was never much fun but it had gotten to the point where it was drudgery on a good day. On a bad day it was sick. We had stopped having sex at least a year earlier. We argued ceaselessly. Whenever I suggested that maybe we needed to call it quits, she would tell me that I couldn't leave because I still 'owed' her. I am a recovering alcoholic and she started saying things to me like,'It would be better for me if you started drinking again, you'd be easier for me to manage.' I finally felt that I had no choice but to pull the plug on our relationship. She accused me of doing various things to her. She refused to concede the possibility that I could leave her for any reason other than to punish her. I could not get her to understand the idea that I wished her well but that for my own well being, I had to separate from her. I made the mistake of helping her move into a small house across the street from me. Just this week, two months after we supposedly separated, she announced to her landlady that she wouldn't be paying her rent because I had agreed to do that. I actually went along with her because I didn't want her to get in trouble with her landlady. I had never told her that I would pay her rent. Last night she came into my house while I was at work, got into my e-mail account and sent everyone on my mailing list a letter, among other things, accusing me of beating her. There was more. First thing this morning my phone started ringing with friends calling to tell me about the mail that they had received from her. There were also people on the list who don't know me personally and have never heard of her I spent the day writing e-mail to everyone on my list apologizing. Then I gave notice to my landlady, found a new place to live and explained to my ex that if she tried to get into my house again, I would get a restraining order against her. I also changed the pass words on my computer, and moved some valuables out of the house. A few hours later she called me and left a message saying that she 'might have made a mistake' and suggesting that we should go to a counselor to try and talk things out. I swear, I'm not making this up.

My question is this: Should I stay here until I can move into my new place (beginning of next month) or should I flee right now? I really don't feel safe in my own house. Honest, I did things in our relationship that I wish I could undo, but this seems a lot weirder than an old grudge. By the way, money is a real issue here -- having to pay my rent, her rent, and deposit on my new place is going to put me in debt. I'd like to think that I'll be OK changing the locks and sitting tight for a couple more weeks. I know this isn't supposed to happen to men, but it's happening to me.

-- Jon

Dear Jon,

Hooo boy. Well. Sometimes when the issues/circumstances are that complicated, the necessary actions get pretty simple: if you're actually scared of her, go somewhere else -- don't tell all sorts of people where -- until you can move into your new place. (Hope you haven't told her where it is ...!?) After that, stop paying her rent. Just stop. It does sound like she needs help pretty badly, which also means -- tough love moment -- she is beyond yours. Unfortunately, though, as Belleruth has observed: "You've established a pattern with her that she's going to want to continue." I'd check in with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) and see what they say about stalkers, even the girl kind. Icky question, but an 800 number is cheaper than changing the damn locks again. Take good care.

Love,
BG and BR

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