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Dear Breakup Girl,

To begin this long tale of woe I'll have to go back about ten months. I am currently in high school and last year me and two other friends were really close. I had been friends with one of them for years and the other was a friend of hers who I never really talked to before about a year ago. Somehow we had gone to the same school for many years and never even spoken until then. Anyway, I got to know her and the three of us became pretty close.

Then in early April the friend who I've known since way back when was in a car accident and suffered brain trauma. It was horrible and no one at school seemed to be affected much except for me and my other friend, let's call her Beth. So naturally in this time of great sorrow we bonded. We started spending every day together. I think there were only about five days during all of April, May and June that we didn't see each other.

During this time something happened to Beth which she confided in me about. There is a girl who goes to a private school that's friends with her, let's call her Kate. On Memorial Day driving home from visiting my handicapped friend (she is now paralyzed on her right side and has bad short term memory and slowed speech), Kate made a pass at Beth. Apparently Beth had been talking to Kate about how she's bisexual and Kate took that as an indication that she liked her.

So Beth was shocked and spilled her guts to me. I comforted her and was very flattered that she told me since she didn't tell her best friend since seventh grade. I think that's when it started: me falling for her.

A couple of weeks went by and Kate kept calling Beth and Beth kept complaining to me and going out with me whenever she was asked by Kate to go out. Meanwhile my feelings for Beth were getting stronger and stronger since I was discovering how much I really liked Beth (I'm bisexual myself). Then the bomb was dropped. Beth announced to me in strict confidence that she and Kate were "involved." Suddenly the realization that Beth had no feelings for me hit me in the face and I was very unprepared. After not eating for a few days and putting off telling Beth the truth about why I was acting so weird I began to start to worry since my feelings weren't going away as I hoped they would. I figured that knowing that she doesn't like me that way would be enough but it turned out it wasn't. I thought then maybe telling someone what happened and getting some advice would do the trick, getting someone to tell me that I shouldn't be having feelings for her when she thinks of me as just a friend. I told a mutual friend of me and Beth's by e-mail (he's at college and I didn't have to worry about people at our high school finding out about her and Kate). Though that made me feel better it did not rid me of my feelings for Beth. Continuing to be around her as friends was making me realize more and more how much I was crazy about her and how I wanted to spend all my time close to her.

I started feeling that maybe if I told her how I felt and if she saw that I was an option she would leave Kate for me. After all, when she first told me about her involvement with Kate and saw my bad reaction, she told me she would much rather spend time with me, that with Kate it was just fun. So I told her...in a letter. Just before I went on vacation we were over at our handicapped friend's house when in walked Kate. I drove Beth there but Beth wanted Kate to drive her home. At this point I had all but told her how I felt and she must have been really dense not to know that that would hurt me but she did it anyway. I thus, in my hurt, wrote her a kind of mean letter about how much she hurt me because I liked her. It was actually pretty flattering for her.

When I got back from vacation Beth and I went for a long walk during which we talked. This was in late August. She basically told me a lot of bull about how we aren't meant for each other...what it really was was an easy way for her to say that I am not right for her. I know that she's right for me....except for the part about her liking Kate more.

So a few months rolled by and we were no longer friends. It was way too awkward. Then we both missed each other and I really didn't want to lose her so I tried to be friends with her. She was completely ready to be friends but everytime I got relaxed I would unconsciously move towards her. And every time she mentioned Kate I would get incredibly hurt. So after enduring the friendship for a few weeks, pretending to be happy around her and then secretly crying every night, I decided to just leave her for good.

I keep feeling awful because I figure if I love her I would be able to be just friends for her. Why doesn't that work? I cut off all relations with her in December and now I miss her so much. For some reason I just can't go halfway in my feelings for her. She wants me to care less but it hurts me so much. So now we aren't speaking. I have no one to talk to about it because it's such a secret and I don't want anyone to know I'm gay. I'm miserable because I feel extremely empty without her.

I don't really feel close to my other friends (she was my best friend) and I feel really uncomfortable in school because a third of my classes are with her! Since we have the same friends it's very difficult to not see her and every time I see her I miss her and want her back. I know I never really had her but she really led me on a lot.

There is an underlying feeling of homophobia at my school and I feel very uncomfortable knowing that I'm different from everyone else and that I'm alone with it. I'm going out of my mind not talking to anyone about this and not telling my friends something that is so big in my life. Most of all I feel like half of my soul is missing because she is gone and yet I see her everyday. I should probably see a therapist but I don't want my parents to know how messed up I am. They might find out what's going on and I definitely do not want them to know I'm in love with a girl.

Is there anything that can be done to make my life happy again? I've looked at other people and I just don't like any of them compared to Beth. I know there's probably no solution to my problem except time but I'd like some sort of advice.

-- Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Oh, poor tootsie. Really. Ick ick ick.

Now that you know that I feel for you, let me try to help you with the thinking part. First, this being the 90s, let's compartmentalize.

1. Relationship Stuff. It's completely normal that you can't go "halfway" with Bethsky. I take issue with your logic there, actually: it's because you fancy her that you can't rally for the big Friend Pretend. It's not about downgrading your emotions, it's about feigning distinterest. Not feeling less; faking it. The latter can be much more corrosive, much harder.

2. Friendship Stuff. But what's going down in #1 is particularly sucky because she was also a dear friend. This loss is a two fer. As Belleruth spells out, "You've lost both your closest friend and your romance hopes, all in one." No wonder you're doubleplus blue.

3. Gay Stuff. Aaaaaaand, you're not only isolated from your friend/one that got away, you're isolated from what seems to be a Straight World. So you've got mini- and meta- loneliness. We hear ya. (For what it's worth, there are way more les/bi/gay kids in that school than you think; it's just that neither the PTA -- nor they themselves -- necesssarily knows it. I'm just saying.)

What will help you most with 1-3, Belleruth and I think, is to connect with the closest gay/lesbian center or hotline in your area. Even if it's miles away and you can do it by phone. And hey, there's always the Internet. You need support and -- new -- friendship, and this would be the best way. Your longing for your actually-not-the-best-friend Beth is exacerbated by your general feeling of loneliness and feelings/ways of being you can't share. But let me tell you, "alone" is actually a pretty crowded, busy, thriving place. You'll see when you're ready to look.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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