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Dear Breakup Girl,

Yes, it's one of those horrible "my boyfriend left me" things... yet, it's not. I had been with the boy on and off for 3 years, breaking up twice at my urging. I hurt him uneccesarily, I know. but I was not prepared for him to take a stand and do it to me. The very night before my sociology final while I am at college 200 miles away, he breaks up with me over the phone. I am crushed, devestated, etc., and I sleep through the final to top it all off.

Well, the story didn't end there. Instead of not speaking afterwards like we did the other times this happened, he continued to call, get jealous if I mentioned a male name, we would see each other often when I was home, and still slept together. He said he still loved me, he just "needed some time," and he wasn't wanting to be with anyone "right now." And I can see that-- he is not currently in school and needs to get his act together with that. It seemed like we were back together, since neither of us were seeing anyone else (or so I thought) and we enjoyed each other's company just as much.

The crap hit the fan about a week ago. He kept dropping the name of a certain girl I felt threatened by, since she liked my "ex" and is in his (separate from mine) circle of friends, and when I was over his house last week, I noticed he had two fingernail scratch marks on his back. He knew what I was referring to when I asked him what the marks were, and he didn't offer any kind of explanation. He drove me home later before going out with his friends (and "her") and there was something noticeably wrong. When I tried to get it out of him if she was the seductress or if anything was going on between them, but he would only do his usual manipulative thing where he turns it on me. "Well, who was the Jeff kid you met at the bus station yesterday?" He would ask, referring to my honest-to-god "just good friend" friend. Things were not peachy anymore.

I call him the next day to hear a very nasty-sounding guy who I think ate my ex. I was trying to make plans for us this weekend when he blew up at me and said "Look, I don't want to hang out!" It got all quiet and before we hung up, I asked him if I would speak to him again. And all he could say is "I don't know." Then again, he rarely ever calls/ed my house because my parents hate him...hmmm....

I haven't heard from him. I cry and listen to "Nothing compares 2 u" a lot. I feel miserable. This is seemingly out of nowhere, and it's kind of like what I did to him twice already. I used to feel I had the upper hand in the relationship, and now he has it, and it hurts. I have been trying to call him but he's never there (or lying). I am mostly confused and dying to see him again. He never let me have my say in this matter, for one! The major thing keeping me from even attempting a clean break with no more contact is the concert we had tickets for later in the month and the fact that I feel as if something is unfinished- undone. It's as if we haven't ended our relationship, he just took off for a while. I can't let him go, or else I will be forced by some force greater than I to stake him out again and draw him back, as I have done twice before. Basically, how do I get his ass back in gear and back with me? I know there is no forgetting it all at this point, I have been unable to do that in any of the breakups we endured. Breakup girrrl, please, help me back where I belong!

-- Jill-ted

Dear Jill-ted,

Eeeuw, fingernail trails? Have you been listening to Sinead, or Alanis?

In any case, here are some things You Oughta Know:

1. When you call him, he is there. He's lying.

2. You're giving your concert ticket to someone else (suggestion: not Jeff).

3. About breakups: more often than not -- by definition -- there is someone who has "no say in the matter." That is what/how breakups are. (Addendum: you hate not being the do-ER, having the upper hand. That's normal and fine. That is how you are.) This is maddening, but there is nothing Wrong.

4. About breakups, deux: more often than not -- by definition -- something is left feeling unfinished/undone. That is what/how breakups are. This is maddening, but there is nothing Wrong.

5. He -- and this relationship -- is not coming through for you. You guys gave it the old-college-200-miles-away try. But all this weirdness and yuckiness is not some Sam and Diane "but we're really mad for each other" comic/denial conceit. He's not exactly being the hero, but face facts: your pushing is driving him away. Also, nuts.

6. If you stake him out and [try to] draw him back again, you will be driven by a force LESSER than you. As you were when you did those keep-sleeping-together breakups and allowed him to be inappropriately jealous -- rather than solicitous -- of you. You are above that.

7. In case you haven't noticed, I have not told you how to get back together with him.

So what to do instead? For one thing, talk to your parents. Have a real conversation -- not a slugfest -- about why they didn't like him. If you actually listen, you might get some helpful -- resolve-solidifying -- data. And talk to yourself: remember that moving on is not the same as "forgetting." It's going to be hard, it's going to be lonely, it's going to be exhausting. But if you do the work, you won't sleep through the beginning. Of something better.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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