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Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I had a foster child (we will call him Ben) for 8 months and I was really attached to the child. When the biological mother was court approved to get him back my whole world fell apart. We had a misunderstanding with the mother and she will not let us visit the child. Since then I have many mornings where I don't want to get out of bed. To sum up how messed up this has left me I would give my life to just hug him one more time. The problem is my husband was never close to the child nor does he understand why I am so upset. I know that it is hard for couples to make it through losing a child and I am afraid we are about to follow that trend. We fight non-stop about everything. My husband suggested counseling but I have two problems with that. One, our budget is really tight since we overspent during our parent days, and two, I am not ready to open up about losing Ben. I can't explain the hurt and it is too much too handle which leaves me very angry much of the time. I don't want to destroy my marriage but I feel I have not had enough time to grieve -- it has been only 2 1/2 months. What do you recommend I do to save my marriage? Or how can I make my husband understand that this is not going to change overnight? Any advice is appreciated since we have talked over and over and nothing changes.

-- Lost

Dear Lost,

What Belleruth has to say may hurt before it helps, but stay with us, sweetie, okay?

It's just that while the pain of losing a child -- even a foster child -- is so way more than legit, there's also something a bit off here. As Belleruth observes: "If your husband is willing to go into counseling and you're not -- though I understand the fear of having to open up and deal -- something's fishy. I mean, that's the best place to help him understand that you're not going to get over this overnight. So why not go? Is it the money? Hmm. There are family service organizations and such that have sliding scales. Or your insurance -- in a blue moon -- might cover it. Bottom line, it's hard not to notice that you were willing to spend on Ben but not on your marriage...? That's why it sounds to me that somehow, somewhere, some-why, you don't want this marriage to improve and the loss of Ben is now your focus -- or your excuse to have a prolonged tantrum/strike against your husband. I just have to say: counseling, counseling, counseling. Even if you go in there and pout about how you can't afford it and how you're not ready to open up. It's something."

Being a foster mom is special and admirable, Lost. But there's also something to be said -- and a lot left unsaid here -- about taking care of your own.

Love,
BR and BG

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