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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been around since the beginning, when Doofus and I broke up over a year ago. I decided that we could NOT be friends, because he rejected me, so I should be allowed to reject him, and because I was mad as hell at the icky way he treated me. We had been best friends, and this hurt him as much as it hurt me. So there. I hadn't seen him for a year, until yesterday, when I bumped into him on the street in Times Square -- the true crossroads of the world. He seemed delighted to see me, even tried to hug me. He said we should get together for "coffee." I kinda just stood there, frozen to the ground, so he suggested that he call me, and then I could decide whether to pick up the phone or not. Just a little condescending, but all I could do was nod my head. My question: What does "coffee" mean? I think I want it to mean more than "I'm idly curious what your resume looks like this year." I think I want it to mean "I've missed you, I've changed in all the ways necessary to make our relationship work, and I want to get back together." Not that I'm so sure I want to get back together. Tell me how to get a grip, BG.

-- Tea Drinker

Dear Tea Drinker,

What, indeed, does "coffee" mean? According to yesterday's New York Times magazine, even fancy scientists can't figure it out. Bad for your bones, good for your kidneys, bad for your ovaries, good for your columns, depending on how long you spent reading the paper earlier that day ... what's a caffiend to do?

But meanwhile, French-Roast-fed scientists at Breakup Girl Laboratories have come up with several possible meanings of "Coffee?" in the context of relationships (could-be, current, and cold):

1. "My aunt gave me your number."

2. "I am more interested in looking magnanimous than I am in actually spending time with you."

3. "I like you, but I don't LIKElike you."

4. "I LIKElike you, but I'm shy, and somehow it's less scary to ask you out for an afternoon stimulant than for an evening depressant."

5. "If we do it at Barnes & Noble on a weekend night, maybe I can also meet someone else."

6. "Given that my ex just caught me in Times Square, I need to keep up adult, yuppie appearances."

Basically, Tea Drinker, make it mean whatever you want. As long as you assume that it means: not much. See, all you really need to decide is this: do you feel like spending one Earl-Blue hour with him, or don't you? You do not have to go through with it in order to be a Big Person. Nor in order to get him to come back to you, which none of us is sure you want. The coffee thing, just like the "friends" thing was, is your call. Also, if he never calls, well, there's your answer.

And finally, it's a good thing he didn't ask you on the spot, 'cause there's no good coffee in Times Square. (Unless you drink some sort of Kahluay Koncoction with our man Gregoire. Who, come to think of it, could probably introduce you to the Next Big Doofus. I mean Thing.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

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