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Dear Breakup Girl,

It's been a year and a month since the "incident." And, while I am totally over J., I still have no self-confidence whatsoever. I look in the mirror and it's like I'm not even there. Instead, some short, dumpy, dorky fool has taken my place.

Instead of going out and doing things (other than hockey, which I never skip), I stay inside and play with the puppy and watch movies. I'm really not into bars or drinking, and there's not much else to do at night or on weekends around here (Seattle). My friends aren't much help since they are all boring married couples that would rather stay at home and knit booties than go out.

I am doing some things, like taking cooking classes, but the people I meet aren't my age. At least I'm learning how to flambé.

The people from work who are my age are more interested in drinking their weekends away, which is all right once in a while, but every damn weekend??? Besides, the bars and dance clubs here are really not that impressive at all.

I've tried dating a few people here and there, but they all work with me in one way or another and none of them is awesome enough to warrant becoming part of the unforgiving rumor mill in our group. I guess I'm in the wrong state altogether to find my dream woman anyway ("SM seeks surfer girl with Shakespeare predilection and steady supply of lame jokes").

Part of me misses home (San Francisco) more than anything in the world. But, most of me knows that homesickness is a symptom, not the disease that needs to be cured. Basically, I'm really alone out here, and even though I've tried doing different things, I'm not getting anywhere.

How do I get my confidence back?

-- El Gato Dos

Dear El Gato,

You sly cat, you just placed a personal ad at breakupgirl.net (maybe you should meet Blanche?).

Anyway, perhaps you're being too sly for your own good here. Not about your "personal," about your sense of place. Yeah, maybe homesickness is just the symptom, but maybe you really just don't like it where you are. Maybe "home" really does have the warm happy draw of belonging for you that critcs of our transient, electronic, mallified, homogenized, family-devalued society have been quick to eulogize. Maybe you should go home. I mean, maybe you shouldn't rule it out.

Other than that, it seems to me that you are trying and doing the right things. Many of them, anyway. But I do know that there's way more to Seattle -- more so than in other cities -- than bars and clubs. You've got: nature. Big tall trees. Boats. Fish. Mountains. I don't know or care how outdoorsy you are or aren't, but I do suspect that you're actually more creative at finding alternative -- totally Seattle -- activities than you're being right now. Which may be because there's a wee bit of a circular self-fulfilling prophecy going on here: of course a "short dumpy dorky fool" wouldn't be the one to organize the "Sick of Bars? Let's All Learn How to Camp!" club at Drinking, Inc. Or the one to find a co-ed adult hockey program. You see?

Also, do keep in mind that a small percentage of your malaise is not personal, not individual, not unique. It is precisely what the aforementioned critics -- along with the superheroes who speak for and understand the plight of Singles Adrift -- are talking about. We all feel it to some degree. Hence the drinking -- as opposed to flambeing -- the weekends away. Who's the dorky fool here?

So, Gato, you've got some decisions to make. Are you going to sign a new lease on Seattle? I know you can if you set your non-foolish mind to it and do what you love. Or will you go where you love and take it from there? Your confidence is there, Gato. But you're still living out of boxes. Decide where to stay, and unpack it for good.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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