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Dear Breakup Girl,

This isn't strictly a "break up" question, although it may help me get into a relationship, and therefore be in a position to break up, so you see, you really can't lose.

It's a two-parter. Each part counts equally.

I recently ventured into the land of internet personals, and find myself being very discriminating, perhaps too much so.

I'm fairly confident in disregarding the guy who states he's looking for hot sex with a married dental hygenist (no judgment -- it's just not what I'm looking for.) I do wonder, though, if I'm doing myself a disservice by immediately disqualifying guys who are "looking for that special lady" (I don't know what it is about the word "lady" -- it just puts me off. And "gal." Don't like that one either.) Am I allowed to pass over the guy who is seeking "the one who will end my lonely days of silent suffering and complete the circle of my love?" (Good lord. Can anyone do that?)

I know written words are slippery creatures, and maybe I'm just overanalyzing. It's hard to give your entire relationship manifesto, your bio, and your c.v. in ten lines or less, and without hearing someone's vocal inflection, it's difficult to know if they're being ironic, sardonic, or just moronic. I too "crave" a relationship -- although I tend to ] skip anyone who uses that phrase in his ad. Am I being too judgmental? Am I sabotaging my own efforts?

Part Two --

OK, I really like this guy's ad. I respond. He writes back, and tells me he about to leave for three days of "survival training" at a secret location, or that he lives in a cave and clones his own chickens. Whatever. I decide he may not be quite what I'm looking for. What's the polite way to say "you frighten me, please go away and don't ever email me again." Can I use the old "Gee, I suddenly got really busy at work, I'll write to you next year" routine? It seems so dishonest, but what's the sense in telling someone you don't even know yet you don't like them, even though your instincts are telling you you won't?

I know it's really no different from meeting anyone, anywhere, and being kind to people and polite is never wrong, but seeing as I haven't had much success in "normal" dating, I'm assuming this go pretty much the same way. Honestly Breakup Girl, I really, really do "crave that special guy who will understand my soul as no one else on earth ever has before or ever will, who likes long walks on the beach, howling at the moon, and is equally comfortable in lederhosen as in a tuxedo." (She said, with more than a hint of self-deprecating humor.)

I look forward to your always sane, always helpful advice.

-- Blanche Du Bois

Dear Blanche,

You sly dog, you just placed a personal ad at breakupgirl.net!

Anyway, listen, if that's whom you want to disqualify, then disqualify away, lady. Yes, it's nearly impossible to cram your whole being into 30 words without lying OR looking bad. But hey,. if someone finds that a word you HATE makes that Top 30, well heck, there are a million personal ads in this naked city, and you've got to start pruning somewhere. While we're at it, I recommend that you also avoid ads that contain Disney characters or that turn givens into pluses ("well-groomed"). Other iffy terms, among many: "Ready to love again," and "Seinfeld type" (means ad-placer has weird, annoying friends). At some point, if you've narrowed it down to ... none, then yeah, allow for the occasional spelling error. But otherwise, yeah, we should ALL be picky.

Bonus Tip: Depending on your geographical situation/flexibility, try the duly literate/droll personals in the London Review of Books.

Examples:

• Illiterate old bastard with not a single book in sight seeks someone to read poetry and wash away the interminable cynicism that comes with reading this magazine. Must harbor profound hatred of Tuscany.
• Insensitive 47-year-old lounge lizard (male), seeks woman with energy to suffer periods of self-indulgence. Offers in return good sangria and complete lack of interest in sport.
• Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle-aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible.

I'd avoid "Lady" here, too, though. Unless you actually have the landed gentry title they're seeking. (Due credit: Sarah Lyall's NYT article.)

Anyway, about the im-personal dis. You should have no compunction about doing this. You guys haven't even met, much less spent money on each other. You owe no lame excuses or explanations. Everyone knows you are totally just there to size each other up. So just say "Hey, you know what? I think I'm going to pass. But thanks." Plus, doesn't that coffee date conflict with that cotillion you'll be attending with Wolfman Lederhosen?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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