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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm divorced, happily single, and am moving to India in eight weeks to spend a year working in a hospital. This is what I love to do, and I'm can't wait to leave. I don't have any relationship which I'm leaving behind, so that's not the problem. The question is...over Christmas I ran into one of my oldest friends, a guy I grew up with and still bump into occasionally on holidays when we're both visiting our folks. He, bless his heart, has suddenly blossomed into the most beautiful man I have ever seen, bar none. Exactly my type, ponytail and all. Also outdoorsy--rock climbs, skiis, dives, all the things I love. Also smart: finishing doctorate in neurobiology, went to Stanford. Also sweet and self-effacing. I'd like to write to this guy while I'm away.

OK, you say, that sounds reasonable. I, however, am wondering, because though I am in no sense a Rules Girl (very short hair, for one. Tattoo, for another. Like being single right now, for one more.). I still dislike initiating things with men. Even correspondence, you say? Yeah, kind of. In my experience, initiating things has led to both getting what I want sometimes, and getting stuck with the bill. Could you give me some advice on whether to write, and how to approach it if I do? I realize I can't really come across as the predatory female, since I'll be 10,000 miles away in India for at least a year: but I don't want to come across as threateningly needy in a letter, either. I was an English major before I became a medicine weenie, so I can write myself into all sorts of knots. Help me not do that?

-- Articulate but Temporarily Tongue-Tied

Dear Dr. Tongue-Tied,

Girl, I could write myself into all sorts of knots about the woman-as-initiator thing. Generally, I'm pro if it works for you, con if it doesn't, pro if he needs a bit of a prod, con if you can't take a hint. As for you, I see why you're wary. And I don't want you -- or anyone -- spending lots of time/dough on someone who's not paying attention back. So don't be a Rules Girl, be a Rules Grrrl. Not a doormat, a diva; you don't have time for people who don't have time for you. Or: Don't follow the Rules, follow the Technique (also raved about in the current Superlist and in a lovely unlinkable-to article by Liesel Schillinger in yesterday's New York Times Book Review) (See, if I made time for people who didn't have time for me, I wouldn't have time to read.)

How does this all apply to you and the Jewel-in-the-Crown-meets-Griffin-and-Sabine-meets-800-IVY-DATE epistolary novel that is your life? Write to him. Write him a couple of lovely BRIEF missives about India -- not about You or the minutiae of your day, nor like these charming Nepalese notes -- that tickle him and leave him wanting more. In which case, he'll put pen to paper. In which case, you might also want to see about e-mail.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P. S. How cool are you!??!??!

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