< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently, my boyfriend broke up with me twice in a period of a month. He did so because of this sequence of events:

1. He asked to read my diary out of curiosity.

2. He read that I had found another guy very attractive and had liked this guy on and off for a month and had been confused about why I felt these feelings when I knew that I loved him (my boyfriend) and would never want to lose him for anyone else. One night I danced with the guy, not anything sexual or intimate, just enjoyable dancing. I felt horrible about it, but I did not tell my boyfriend. I decided that the attraction was loneliness, since my relationship is recently long-distance, and that the weird feelings would pass.

3. This knowledge bothered him immensely, for he said he has always felt like I do not tell him the whole truth and have a penchant for liking other guys. So he decided that I was not what he wanted and left me-- twice. Both times, he came back within a day, saying that he was happier with than without me. I don't want to make him sound bad, because he really is incredible, and everything is normally so wonderful, and was all the time before he gained this knowledge, and is now... and yet I feel afraid that he will eventually decide that I am not what he wants... he has changed his mind so many times. The questions are these:

1. Are his expectations too high?

2. Is there any way that I can know if he is going to stay with me?

3. Is there anything that I am not seeing, blinded as I am by sheer love? Thanks!

-- Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Three questions for you:

1. Your boyfriend asked to read your diary?

2. Your boyfriend read your diary?

3. You let your boyfriend read your diary?

Here is what you're not seeing (question 3): Your boyfriend read your diary. I was going to say that at least asking permission is better than snooping, but it occurs to me that he probably did snoop, and then asked to read it as a retro-coverup for how he got the 411 about Dance Boy (with whom, far as I can tell, you've done nothing impeachable) in the first place. I know I'm the one harping on the diary thing, but listen. We have diaries because we have boyfriends. Not because our boyfriends should read them. Or, more girlpowerly put, we have diaries in which -- I hope -- we inscribe and preserve the sense of our selves that exists and thrives regardless of whether there's a boy coming to call. Bottom line: boyfriends don't read diaries. In fact, no one but you reads your diary. Otherwise, they'd be the Drudge Report, not diaries.

Okay, Breakup Girl, but, um, too late. Right. Question 1. His expectations are: too low. His expectations of himself, that is. I can totally see why he'd be hurt and confused by the spicy bits in your diary; and if you tend to be dishonest and / or flirty around him, well, fess up. But my sense is that he is just as nervous as you are that you will eventually decide that you are not what he wants. Especially now that it's long distance. And as for Question 2: no, there's no way to "know." Or even to insure that he'll stay. The best you can do is show him how you feel with your actions and words. Spoken, not written.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >